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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Big Brown Seen Leaving Belmont Carrying Large Sacks Of Cash

NEW YORK—Shortly after finishing in last place in the Belmont Stakes Saturday, Big Brown was reportedly seen leaving through the back exit of the Belmont stable locker rooms carrying several shopping bags stuffed with cash, which the 3-year-old colt placed into the back seat of his Rolls Royce Phantom Coupe. "I could hardly tell it was him because he was wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap pulled down low over his eyes, and a long trench coat, but I remember thinking he was so tall he had to be one of the athletes," said horseracing fan Jason Larson. "Still, I didn't figure it out until I saw the 'Big B' vanity plates on his car." According to numerous witnesses, Brown spent five minutes urinating on the windshield of trainer Rick Dutrow's car before driving off erratically at high speed.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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