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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Big Game Coming Up

NEW YORK—A major contest between two high-quality teams in a major sport is scheduled to take place in the immediate future, multiple media sources reported earlier this week. "No doubt about it—this is the biggest game since the championship, and it might be the biggest one we see until the playoffs," a respected analyst for a major sports news organization said Monday, echoing the words of analysts at most major newspapers and magazines, sports television show hosts, and radio personalities. "This will be one for the ages, one to watch, one to talk about at work the next day, a classic battle of high-flying talent versus hard-nosed grit. I can't even begin to guess at a score." Although tickets have been sold out since they went on sale during the exhibition season, fans are divided on whether they are expecting an upset or a blowout.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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