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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Big, Lovable Dog Resolves Crisis In Zaire

KINSHASA, ZAIRE—In his greatest act of international heroism since alerting authorities of British Prime Minister John Major's fall down a deep well in 1993, "Houser," a big, lovable dog, brought peace and stability to the war-torn nation of Zaire Monday.

Zairian refugees near Lake Kivu are led back home by Houser, a lovable dog.

Once pushed to the brink of mass starvation, genocide and chaos by rebel attempts to overthrow President Mobutu Sese Seko, Zaire is now a stable democracy, its warring factions united in their love for the cuddly, furry animal.

After solving the Zairian crisis, Houser wagged his big tail and barked triumphantly to the nation's once-warring factions, who laughed merrily and patted the shaggy canine on the head and back.

"He is a good boy," said Mobutu, who returned from exile to form a broad-based coalition government with rebel leader Laurent Kabila. "I love him so much." Mobutu then gave the dog what his advisors described as a "big hug."

Said U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan: "Attaboy, Houser!"

Annan recalled Monday morning, when Houser came running into the U.N. intent on saving the day.

"At first, many of the diplomats were annoyed that the big dog came bounding into the General Assembly," Annan said. "The dog was running back and forth and barking very insistently."

"Houser was dripping wet," said Alexei Lukashenko of Belarus. "He was shaking himself and spraying water all over the delegates."

Austrian representative Gunter Hosch, who was delivering a speech advocating the passage of a U.N. resolution condemning human rights abuses in Honduras, paused mid-address to ask the dog, "What is it, boy?"

When the dog responded by barking even more insistently, many representatives began to make guesses as to what the dog was trying to say.

"Houser, have you been swimming in Old Man Seaver's pond again? We told you not to do that! Bad Houser!" Hosch told the dog.

The assembled delegates, unable to interpret Houser's frantic barking, were about to give up on the dog and have him removed when Angolan representative Goma Ndeti noticed he was carrying a handmade Zairian "Juju" doll in his mouth. "It was then I realized," Ndeti said, "that the water was not from Old Man Seaver's pond at all—he was wet from a swim across the Atlantic Ocean. The dog was trying to tell us something about Zaire."

Annan then put it to Houser: "Is it Zaire, boy? Is there some kind of trouble in Zaire?"

When Houser barked more loudly and at a higher pitch than before, those in attendance knew they had hit upon the right answer.

"What's that, Houser?" Annan continued. "Laurent Kabila and his rebel forces have seized much of the south and are headed toward Kinshasa? Come on, take us to them!"

According to U.N. command leader Edgar Nielsen, the dog led a 45-nation peacekeeping force to the city of Lubumbashi in Shaba Province, a key, mineral-rich region in southern Zaire which had fallen to the rebels. "It was tough keeping pace with the dog. He was so excited and running very quickly," Nielsen said. "But once we arrived in Lubumbashi, we dispersed troops and were able to bring stability to the area."

Nielsen said that for his great bravery and invaluable intelligence-gathering efforts, Houser was given a biscuit.

The dog then led troops to a badly ravaged encampment in central Zaire, where more than 500,000 Rwandan and Zairian refugees were dying of malnutrition and ebola. U.N. troops quickly airdropped medical supplies and food to the area. Nielsen noted that Houser saw to it personally that a young female dog to whom he had "taken a shine," was given a delicious bone.

Houser's owner, Tim, 10, was pleased with his dog's accomplishments in Zaire. "He's a good dog. And he's my best friend. I love him."

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