Big, Lovable Dog Resolves Crisis In Zaire

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Vol 31 Issue 15

Viewer Outraged

SHREVEPORT, LA—Longtime television viewer Abraham Frank, 78, expressed outrage Tuesday over a Married With Children episode in which a swimsuit beauty pageant featured many scantily clad young ladies, many with oiled skin. "I am outraged," Frank said. "I did not care for that program one bit." In the past, Frank has been outraged by televised displays of violence, interracial romance and the use of the word "booty."

Unpopular High-Schoolers Downplay Significance Of Prom

DOVER, DE—With Dover Central High School's May 11 prom fast approaching, unpopular seniors Kenneth Edmonds, 17, and James Montauk, 18, are actively downplaying the significance of the dance. "I feel sorry for those kids who have to dress up in those monkey suits all night," said Edmonds, a top-notch science student who plans to attend Cornell University in the fall. "They won't have any idea how dumb they look." Montauk, who dismissed the event as "stupid and lame," plans to spend prom night participating in an on-line Duke Nukem 3D tournament.

Major League Baseball To Retire All Black Players

NEW YORK—In honor of Brooklyn Dodgers legend Jackie Robinson, who broke baseball's color barrier 50 years ago last week, Major League Baseball officials announced Monday the retirement of all black players, effective immediately. "Jackie Robinson was a true pioneer and an extraordinary human being," said acting commissioner of baseball Bud Selig in a formal ceremony. "Today, we honor his memory in the greatest way possible—by making sure that no other athlete ever occupies his role as a professional black baseball player." Among the players retired Monday in Robinson's honor: Ken Griffey Jr., Barry Bonds and Frank Thomas. NHL officials said they would do the same.

My Night In Hunk Heaven

How's this for a triple threat: It's Monday, I have a yeast infection, and it's my birthday. (Fortunately, I've learned how to halt the aging process--I stopped counting at 29!)

Horoscope for the week of April 23, 1997

You will be attacked by knife-wielding maniacs who will stab you 27 times, but take heart—a simple mixture of salt and lemon juice should get the stains out of your clothes.

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me Jerry Garcia Was Dead?

Whoa, dude, shit. This is heavy. This is so... God, I don't know. Let me tell you, man. I was sitting down with all these people on the sidewalk in front of Beads 'N' More Beads one day last year, just playing the guitar and making bracelets, and everybody was talking about Jerry Garcia.

Is The President Above The Law?

Last week, President Clinton's Whitewater business partner was sentenced to three years in prison, while the president avoided standing trial. Days later, Attorney General Janet Reno announced she would not order an investigation of Clinton's questionable 1996 election fund-raising. Should presidents in some cases be exempt from prosecution?

Curse You, Rogue Highwayman!

For the past week the Zweibel Estate has been transformed into a vast fortress. The servants have been busy boarding up the windows, digging trenches and sandbagging the grounds. Why, you ask? A rogue highwayman rides loose in the county, robbing wealthy landowners and distributing the ill-gotten gains to the destitute peasantry. Bring me the head of Black Scarlet, bandit and fiend!

C-SPAN Courts Viewers With 'Mr. Slotnik,' Congress' Cantankerous Landlord

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing lackluster ratings in an increasingly competitive cable market, C-SPAN announced Monday that it will beef up the cast of characters on its daily congressional broadcasts with "Mr. Slotnik," a gruff but lovable landlord who owns the Capitol Building where sessions of Congress take place.
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Big, Lovable Dog Resolves Crisis In Zaire

KINSHASA, ZAIRE—In his greatest act of international heroism since alerting authorities of British Prime Minister John Major's fall down a deep well in 1993, "Houser," a big, lovable dog, brought peace and stability to the war-torn nation of Zaire Monday.

Zairian refugees near Lake Kivu are led back home by Houser, a lovable dog.

Once pushed to the brink of mass starvation, genocide and chaos by rebel attempts to overthrow President Mobutu Sese Seko, Zaire is now a stable democracy, its warring factions united in their love for the cuddly, furry animal.

After solving the Zairian crisis, Houser wagged his big tail and barked triumphantly to the nation's once-warring factions, who laughed merrily and patted the shaggy canine on the head and back.

"He is a good boy," said Mobutu, who returned from exile to form a broad-based coalition government with rebel leader Laurent Kabila. "I love him so much." Mobutu then gave the dog what his advisors described as a "big hug."

Said U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan: "Attaboy, Houser!"

Annan recalled Monday morning, when Houser came running into the U.N. intent on saving the day.

"At first, many of the diplomats were annoyed that the big dog came bounding into the General Assembly," Annan said. "The dog was running back and forth and barking very insistently."

"Houser was dripping wet," said Alexei Lukashenko of Belarus. "He was shaking himself and spraying water all over the delegates."

Austrian representative Gunter Hosch, who was delivering a speech advocating the passage of a U.N. resolution condemning human rights abuses in Honduras, paused mid-address to ask the dog, "What is it, boy?"

When the dog responded by barking even more insistently, many representatives began to make guesses as to what the dog was trying to say.

"Houser, have you been swimming in Old Man Seaver's pond again? We told you not to do that! Bad Houser!" Hosch told the dog.

The assembled delegates, unable to interpret Houser's frantic barking, were about to give up on the dog and have him removed when Angolan representative Goma Ndeti noticed he was carrying a handmade Zairian "Juju" doll in his mouth. "It was then I realized," Ndeti said, "that the water was not from Old Man Seaver's pond at all—he was wet from a swim across the Atlantic Ocean. The dog was trying to tell us something about Zaire."

Annan then put it to Houser: "Is it Zaire, boy? Is there some kind of trouble in Zaire?"

When Houser barked more loudly and at a higher pitch than before, those in attendance knew they had hit upon the right answer.

"What's that, Houser?" Annan continued. "Laurent Kabila and his rebel forces have seized much of the south and are headed toward Kinshasa? Come on, take us to them!"

According to U.N. command leader Edgar Nielsen, the dog led a 45-nation peacekeeping force to the city of Lubumbashi in Shaba Province, a key, mineral-rich region in southern Zaire which had fallen to the rebels. "It was tough keeping pace with the dog. He was so excited and running very quickly," Nielsen said. "But once we arrived in Lubumbashi, we dispersed troops and were able to bring stability to the area."

Nielsen said that for his great bravery and invaluable intelligence-gathering efforts, Houser was given a biscuit.

The dog then led troops to a badly ravaged encampment in central Zaire, where more than 500,000 Rwandan and Zairian refugees were dying of malnutrition and ebola. U.N. troops quickly airdropped medical supplies and food to the area. Nielsen noted that Houser saw to it personally that a young female dog to whom he had "taken a shine," was given a delicious bone.

Houser's owner, Tim, 10, was pleased with his dog's accomplishments in Zaire. "He's a good dog. And he's my best friend. I love him."

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