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Big, Sloppy Chicken Parm Hovers Alluringly Above Nation

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Moe's Southwest Grill

God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings

THE HEAVENS—Staring off into the middle distance for several minutes in obvious discomfort, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was “hurting real bad” after consuming an entire 20-piece order of spicy angel wings.

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Tips For Handling A Picky Eater

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GMOs: Myth vs. Fact

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.
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Food

Moe's Southwest Grill

Big, Sloppy Chicken Parm Hovers Alluringly Above Nation

Authorities say they have no idea where the massive, messy sandwich appeared from, or why.
Authorities say they have no idea where the massive, messy sandwich appeared from, or why.

WASHINGTON—Eliciting reactions of wonder and awe in millions of Americans since appearing on the nation’s skyline this week, a giant, sloppy chicken parmesan sandwich continues to hover enticingly above the continental United States with no sign as to its origin or greater purpose, sources across the country are reporting.

The gooey and glistening sandwich, which is currently visible on the horizon from every vantage point within the United States, has been hanging inertly above the country for approximately 32 hours, bringing the nation to a near total standstill as government officials and American citizens alike gaze on in rapt fascination.

Authorities have also reported at press time that the sandwich appears to feature a mixture of parmesan and mozzarella cheeses in equal proportions.

“At this time, we can confirm that the hovering object is a tender chicken parmesan sandwich around 650 miles in diameter and 10 trillion calories in size, with a juicy boneless chicken breast and what appears to be a tangy, homemade marinara sauce,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced in an emergency telecast this morning while keeping both of his eyes trained on the warm, hovering Italian sandwich. “I cannot confirm at this time where the sandwich came from, how long it will remain aloft, or whether or not the breaded chicken cutlet will yield a light, satisfying crunch when bitten into.”

“From all indications, though, [the sandwich] looks like a good one—a big, sloppy one,” Carney added. “I like it when they’re a little sloppy.”

Experts have estimated that in the first day of the gigantic, messy parm’s arrival, the U.S. economy suffered more than $600 million in lost productivity, in addition to millions of dollars in damages from accidents caused by Americans trying to run or drive toward the sandwich while paying no heed to the obstacles directly in their path.

According to federal authorities, the massive, continent-spanning sandwich appears to be pleasingly messy, with the sauce soaking nicely into the toasty, absorbent roll, and the cheese still stringy and not too congealed, although sources were quick to add that “a little bit congealed is fine, too, as long as it’s still warm—really, it’s hard to fuck up a chicken parm too badly.”

“Unfortunately, our initial attempts to fly investigators to the surface of the sandwich and take a big ol’ bite have failed,” DHS spokesman John DiClaudino told reporters, explaining that numerous pilots became distracted and flew into the side of the sandwich or simply remained on the tarmac, gaping at its sticky, cheesy layers without ever taking off. “I haven’t had a chicken parm in a while, but man, when they are good they are really good. This one looks like it’s on a toasted Italian roll, too. I love it when they toast the bread. Makes it better.”

“I like eggplant parms too,” DiClaudino added. “Not as much as chicken parms, though.”

Until such time as the gigantic chicken parm can be contained or consumed, authorities have urged the American populace to cease all regular activity, head outside, and gaze longingly at the majestic expanse of the sandwich.

In addition, all government and economic functions have been suspended indefinitely in order for the nation to focus its resources and attention exclusively on the hovering sandwich, which sources reiterated is “a real hot, drippy one—you can tell it was made fresh.”

“My fellow Americans, we stand at the threshold of perhaps the most satisfying meal in our nation’s history,” said President Obama in a televised address to the nation this morning. “In fact, I am no longer your president. I am merely another hungry man looking to eat a big, sloppy chicken parm. I would advise all of you to try and bring the sandwich down to earth soon, while it is still warm. I certainly know that’s what I’m going to do. God damn it, is there anything more satisfying than a giant, messy parm that you house in about three minutes flat and that makes you feel absolutely disgusting after eating it but you don’t regret it in the slightest because, Christ, it’s a parm, ya know?”

“Sometimes I’ll get a little side order of marinara sauce so I can dip the sandwich in the sauce,” the president added, staring into the sandwich as he walked slowly toward it.

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