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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Big Ten Peace Summit Fails To End Century-Long Michigan, Ohio State Rivalry

PARK RIDGE, IL—Claiming that the wounds of their past ran far too deep, representatives from the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Michigan Wolverines announced Tuesday that they were unable to negotiate a truce to their complex rivalry at last week's historic Big Ten Peace Summit. "The fact that talks broke down was unfortunate, but that both sides were willing to finally come to the table is certainly a step in the right direction," said summit host and Big Ten Commissioner James Delaney, who was flanked by coaches Jim Tressel and Rich Rodriguez. "Until Michigan recognizes Ohio State as 1973's true Rose Bowl representative, and Ohio State fans acknowledge the legitimacy of Michigan's statehood by immediately halting any singing of the song, 'We Don't Give A Damn For The Whole State Of Michigan,' none of these important talks can move forward." After leaving the summit, both Tressel and Rodriguez were killed in a series of coordinated team-bus bombs.

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