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Biggest Loser In High School Adjusting To Being Ordinary Loser In College

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Biggest Loser In High School Adjusting To Being Ordinary Loser In College

COLUMBIA, SC—University of South Carolina loser freshman Robert Larkin, formerly the anchor of Norrix High School's weekly news broadcast and district-wide record holder for perfect attendance, has faced stiff competition from the campus's nearly 27,000 other students to retain his title as the school's biggest nobody, sources reported Tuesday. From fifth grade onward, Larkin easily held his position as biggest loser by introducing the principal before all school assemblies, but now he must now contend with a variety of former school mascots, French club officers, a cappella vocalists, and college radio deejays. "I'm a nobody in a sea of nobodies," the 18-year-old classics major said. Larkin later added that he will make one more attempt to reclaim biggest loser status by running for student government president.

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