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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Biggest Loser In High School Adjusting To Being Ordinary Loser In College

COLUMBIA, SC—University of South Carolina loser freshman Robert Larkin, formerly the anchor of Norrix High School's weekly news broadcast and district-wide record holder for perfect attendance, has faced stiff competition from the campus's nearly 27,000 other students to retain his title as the school's biggest nobody, sources reported Tuesday. From fifth grade onward, Larkin easily held his position as biggest loser by introducing the principal before all school assemblies, but now he must now contend with a variety of former school mascots, French club officers, a cappella vocalists, and college radio deejays. "I'm a nobody in a sea of nobodies," the 18-year-old classics major said. Larkin later added that he will make one more attempt to reclaim biggest loser status by running for student government president.

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