adBlockCheck

Biggest Loser In High School Adjusting To Being Ordinary Loser In College

Top Headlines

Recent News

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Biggest Loser In High School Adjusting To Being Ordinary Loser In College

COLUMBIA, SC—University of South Carolina loser freshman Robert Larkin, formerly the anchor of Norrix High School's weekly news broadcast and district-wide record holder for perfect attendance, has faced stiff competition from the campus's nearly 27,000 other students to retain his title as the school's biggest nobody, sources reported Tuesday. From fifth grade onward, Larkin easily held his position as biggest loser by introducing the principal before all school assemblies, but now he must now contend with a variety of former school mascots, French club officers, a cappella vocalists, and college radio deejays. "I'm a nobody in a sea of nobodies," the 18-year-old classics major said. Larkin later added that he will make one more attempt to reclaim biggest loser status by running for student government president.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close