Bigot Relieved To Learn Gays In His State Still Effectively Subhuman

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JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Bigot Relieved To Learn Gays In His State Still Effectively Subhuman

NORMAN, OK—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark 5-4 ruling this morning striking down the Defense of Marriage Act, local bigot Donald Pohlman, 45, reportedly breathed a sigh of relief upon learning that homosexuals were still considered less than human under the laws of his home state. “Boy, that’s a load off—for a second there when I saw all those gays hugging and celebrating on the Supreme Court steps, I thought it could have been really bad,” said the visibly reassured hate monger, who noted that it was “very comforting” to discover that every homosexual living around him remained a second-class citizen and would continue to be denied basic human rights by the Oklahoma constitution. “Yes, sir, that was a close one! Luckily, my beliefs are being upheld and gay marriage stands no chance of getting through our state legislature—not if people like me have any say in it, that is.” Pohlman told reporters he was further delighted upon reading a related article detailing the Supreme Court’s recent rolling back of the Voting Rights Act.