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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Bigot Relieved To Learn Gays In His State Still Effectively Subhuman

NORMAN, OK—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark 5-4 ruling this morning striking down the Defense of Marriage Act, local bigot Donald Pohlman, 45, reportedly breathed a sigh of relief upon learning that homosexuals were still considered less than human under the laws of his home state. “Boy, that’s a load off—for a second there when I saw all those gays hugging and celebrating on the Supreme Court steps, I thought it could have been really bad,” said the visibly reassured hate monger, who noted that it was “very comforting” to discover that every homosexual living around him remained a second-class citizen and would continue to be denied basic human rights by the Oklahoma constitution. “Yes, sir, that was a close one! Luckily, my beliefs are being upheld and gay marriage stands no chance of getting through our state legislature—not if people like me have any say in it, that is.” Pohlman told reporters he was further delighted upon reading a related article detailing the Supreme Court’s recent rolling back of the Voting Rights Act.

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