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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Bigoted Asshole Makes The Best Barbecue

ALLENTOWN, PA—Friends of local man Charles Wyatt, an intolerant asshole who unrepentantly despises all non-Caucasians, confirmed Tuesday that the deeply bigoted man makes the best barbecue around. “Oh, man, Charlie’s an absolute master on that grill,” said Wyatt’s next-door neighbor Mark Hawthorne, who like all of the racist prick’s exclusively white friends has long enjoyed the hateful, small-minded man’s expertly prepared grilled chicken, spare ribs, and beef brisket. “First he marinates everything in his own homemade North Carolina–style sauce, and then he slow-cooks it for hours so the meat just falls off the bone. I swear, nobody does it quite like Charlie.” Sources additionally confirmed that Wyatt’s tantalizing barbecue dishes are perfectly complemented by the cooking of his wife, Sandy, a vicious anti-Semite who makes the best macaroni salad you’ve ever had in your life.

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