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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Bigoted Asshole Makes The Best Barbecue

ALLENTOWN, PA—Friends of local man Charles Wyatt, an intolerant asshole who unrepentantly despises all non-Caucasians, confirmed Tuesday that the deeply bigoted man makes the best barbecue around. “Oh, man, Charlie’s an absolute master on that grill,” said Wyatt’s next-door neighbor Mark Hawthorne, who like all of the racist prick’s exclusively white friends has long enjoyed the hateful, small-minded man’s expertly prepared grilled chicken, spare ribs, and beef brisket. “First he marinates everything in his own homemade North Carolina–style sauce, and then he slow-cooks it for hours so the meat just falls off the bone. I swear, nobody does it quite like Charlie.” Sources additionally confirmed that Wyatt’s tantalizing barbecue dishes are perfectly complemented by the cooking of his wife, Sandy, a vicious anti-Semite who makes the best macaroni salad you’ve ever had in your life.

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