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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Bigoted Asshole Makes The Best Barbecue

ALLENTOWN, PA—Friends of local man Charles Wyatt, an intolerant asshole who unrepentantly despises all non-Caucasians, confirmed Tuesday that the deeply bigoted man makes the best barbecue around. “Oh, man, Charlie’s an absolute master on that grill,” said Wyatt’s next-door neighbor Mark Hawthorne, who like all of the racist prick’s exclusively white friends has long enjoyed the hateful, small-minded man’s expertly prepared grilled chicken, spare ribs, and beef brisket. “First he marinates everything in his own homemade North Carolina–style sauce, and then he slow-cooks it for hours so the meat just falls off the bone. I swear, nobody does it quite like Charlie.” Sources additionally confirmed that Wyatt’s tantalizing barbecue dishes are perfectly complemented by the cooking of his wife, Sandy, a vicious anti-Semite who makes the best macaroni salad you’ve ever had in your life.

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