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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Bill And Melinda Scoggins Foundation Pledges $58 For Charity

GALENA, IL—Continuing in its philanthropic mission to promote educational and humanitarian causes throughout the entire northwest Illinois region, the Bill and Melinda Scoggins Foundation announced Monday a landmark $58 pledge to help fund the local 4-H organization. “Having already achieved a very comfortable living from my successful pool supply business, Melinda and I are now focused on giving back to the community, and the Galena 4-H’s goal of youth development was a cause that spoke to both of us,” said foundation president Bill Scoggins, whose generous gift follows last year’s contribution of $45 to the local Knights of Columbus and the previous year’s donation of a box of winter clothes and old books to the Salvation Army. “Melinda and I are so blessed to have everything we need: a nice split-level house, enough money to visit the [Wisconsin] Dells every year. What’s the point of sitting on your fortune when some of it can be used to help those in need?” According to sources, in addition to their charitable giving, the couple recently became part-sponsors of the East Dubuque Little-Cubs.

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