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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a savage and gruesome turn of events, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly slaughtered a half-dozen dogs adopted from the humane society Friday, sewing together the dismembered body parts to construct a new, horrific tight end. “They were cute dogs at first, but then I figured out that if you rip them apart, they could be really useful,” said Belichick, watching the fur-covered abomination lumber across the field, producing the blood-curdling sound of splintering bone and ripping flesh with every step. “While tinkering around in my workshop, I started out stitching a few dog legs together, combining ribcages and whatnot, and soon I was reanimating the dead tissue with a portable generator. In almost no time at all, I had a viable red zone target.” Belichick confirmed that the grotesque tight end had a far better understanding of the offense and was considerably more intelligent than Rob Gronkowski.

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