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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Bill Belichick Consumed By Insecurity, Jealousy Towards Quarterback For Years

Those who knew of Bill Belichick spoke of a dark, consuming insecurity that haunted the coach throughout his whole career. Fueled by past rejections and a stunted sense of self-worth, Belichick was obsessed with the idea that his quarterback Tom Brady was too good for him, mocked him secretly behind his back with other players, and would someday leave him for a younger, more attractive coach.

But even those closest to Belichick had little idea how deep those feelings ran, or how long he had been considering violence. Belichick's journal, uncovered by police and released to the media this afternoon, shows a man teetering on the brink of a violent breakdown.

Brady told reporters that the acid-throwing incident is in the past and that he’s focusing on winning a championship next season, face or no face.

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