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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Bill Belichick Credits Victory To His God

GLENDALE, AZ—After defeating the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 Sunday to win his fourth Super Bowl title, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick took a moment to credit the landmark victory to his god. “We’ve had to endure a lot to get to this point, but it just goes to show that all things are made possible through Y’golonac,” Belichick told reporters as he stood on the trophy stage, emphasizing that his strong relationship with Y’golonac, the Defiler, has given him the strength to get to where he is today. “Win or lose, I’m humbled by all of the Great Old One’s blessings. I’m just thankful that today the great and almighty Y’golonac gave me what it took to win. Thank you, my lord and savior.” At press time, Belichick reportedly knelt down to lead the Patriots in a team prayer, after which the ground inside University of Phoenix Stadium began to tremble.

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