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Bill Belichick Credits Victory To His God

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Bill Belichick Credits Victory To His God

GLENDALE, AZ—After defeating the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 Sunday to win his fourth Super Bowl title, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick took a moment to credit the landmark victory to his god. “We’ve had to endure a lot to get to this point, but it just goes to show that all things are made possible through Y’golonac,” Belichick told reporters as he stood on the trophy stage, emphasizing that his strong relationship with Y’golonac, the Defiler, has given him the strength to get to where he is today. “Win or lose, I’m humbled by all of the Great Old One’s blessings. I’m just thankful that today the great and almighty Y’golonac gave me what it took to win. Thank you, my lord and savior.” At press time, Belichick reportedly knelt down to lead the Patriots in a team prayer, after which the ground inside University of Phoenix Stadium began to tremble.

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