Bill Belichick Lauded For Volunteer Work At Local Morgue

Top Headlines

Sports

Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...

Notable Moves In NFL Free Agency

The first 72 hours of NFL free agency have ranked among the most frenzied and chaotic in league history, with a slew of high-profile players changing teams and signing record deals.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Originality

Bill Belichick Lauded For Volunteer Work At Local Morgue

BOSTON—New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick was lauded Friday for his volunteer work at the Boston City Morgue, receiving praise from its staff for his dedication, enthusiasm, and affable attitude while working at the storage facility for human remains.

Boston chief medical examiner Dr. Thomas Coleman estimated that Belichick has averaged 40 to 50 volunteer hours a week at the morgue over the past five years. In addition, Coleman said the three-time Super Bowl champion coach is a popular figure in the autopsy room and well known for his cheerful personality and ever-present beaming smile.

"Back in 2007, Bill just came off the street right after a horrific 12-car pileup on Interstate 93 had claimed the lives of eight people and asked if we needed any help," Coleman said. "He insisted on doing it for free. How could we refuse? Turns out the man's a natural at working with dead bodies."

"Not only does Bill have a delightful disposition, but he's never shied away from tackling the most unpleasant and repulsive tasks," Coleman added. "He's actually eager, like a kid in a candy store. His eyes just light up and he gets that big sunny grin of his whenever he's asked to mop up bodily fluids or sort through heavily damaged internal organs."

According to Coleman, Belichick's kind and thoughtful nature—always on display while performing his day-to-day morgue duties—is most obvious when he volunteers to meet with families who arrive to identify deceased loved ones.

"Bill is just the best," Coleman said. "He just gives and gives. Recently he pulled me aside, looked into my eyes, and said, 'Thank you. Being here really makes my day.'"

Belichick told reporters he loves the atmosphere of the morgue, from its subdued silence to the dull gleam of its cool stainless steel surfaces to its distinctive smell. The three-time AP NFL coach of the year also said he relishes the feel of the cold dissection table on his skin, as well as the soft but persistent hum of the refrigerated body-storage lockers, the gentle plops of viscera slowly dripping through the drainage grates, and the invigorating buzz of an electric bone saw as it cuts into a skull.

"I feel happiest when I'm working long hours at the morgue," Belichick said. "It lets my subconscious mind work on other things. It's inspiring. Last week, we were given the bloated, waterlogged corpse of a drowning victim, and I instantly came up with a great defensive-tackle stunt that will collapse the pocket and pressure the QB."

"I get to spend a lot of time alone with my thoughts here," Belichick continued. "It helps me tremendously in conceptualizing various schemes and plans."

Morgue attendants acknowledged they were impressed by Belichick's inquisitive nature, remarking that the 60-year-old coach has a deep fondness for observing autopsies and furiously writes notes and diagrams in a leather-bound pocket journal, often using a digital camera to photograph the cadavers from dozens of angles.

Belichick is also said to be intensely curious about matters ranging from the techniques required to prevent the decomposition of a human corpse to the frequency with which the facility receives fresh dead bodies.

"Bill's always asking about contingencies and hypotheticals, such as what we would do in the event of an overturned school bus killing everyone on board, or if a section of bleachers caught fire at a Red Sox game and cooked the fans alive, or if the Big Dig caved in and we couldn't get to the bodies for a couple weeks," said morgue attendant Cecil Walker, adding that Belichick has posted his personal contact information and asked that he be called immediately if something like that should happen. "He really wants to learn every aspect of this business. Field work, dissection, the transportation and disposal of human remains—you name it."

Autopsy technicians said Belichick has contributed a great deal to the morgue, including a meticulously detailed list of suggested improvements.

"He's come up with a bunch of procedures for removing dried, hardened bowels from various pieces of equipment, and also a highly efficient system for organizing the dead bodies," technician Richard Jackson said. "It's hard to believe such a total mastermind of this stuff can still be really laid back, wearing that blood-splattered old Patriots hoodie as he dives into his work."

"You know what still gets me? No matter how cold it gets, the guy never wears shoes," Jackson added. "Or gloves. He says he likes the feel between his toes and fingers, but we know better. Every now and then, we'll walk in while he's caressing the chest of a dead body and whispering about how beautiful it is. Guy just loves the work."