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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Bill Belichick Places Rob Gronkowski In Patriots’ Injured Reserve Cage

FOXBOROUGH, MA—After the star tight end suffered a torn ACL and MCL in his right knee last Sunday, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick announced this week that Rob Gronkowski has officially been placed in the team’s injured reserve cage. “It’s a huge loss, but with that type of injury we really have no choice but to shut Rob down and put him in the IR cage for the rest of the year,” said Belichick, adding that the 24-year-old tight end has joined teammates Jerod Mayo, Vince Wilfork, Tommy Kelly, Sebastian Vollmer, Justin Francis, Adrian Wilson, and Tyronne Green in the Patriots’ 10-by-10-foot electrified high-tensile-wire injured reserve enclosure. “He’s obviously not going to return for at least eight to 12 months, but that will give him the chance to heal up and get ready for next season. We’ll obviously be closely monitoring him and sending someone down there every two or three days to ensure that he’s making progress and to refill the water bowls.” Belichick also confirmed that Gronkowski would not be allowed to rush his recovery, stressing that any attempt to escape the IR cage will lead to “far more serious injuries.”

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