adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bill Belichick Places Rob Gronkowski In Patriots’ Injured Reserve Cage

FOXBOROUGH, MA—After the star tight end suffered a torn ACL and MCL in his right knee last Sunday, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick announced this week that Rob Gronkowski has officially been placed in the team’s injured reserve cage. “It’s a huge loss, but with that type of injury we really have no choice but to shut Rob down and put him in the IR cage for the rest of the year,” said Belichick, adding that the 24-year-old tight end has joined teammates Jerod Mayo, Vince Wilfork, Tommy Kelly, Sebastian Vollmer, Justin Francis, Adrian Wilson, and Tyronne Green in the Patriots’ 10-by-10-foot electrified high-tensile-wire injured reserve enclosure. “He’s obviously not going to return for at least eight to 12 months, but that will give him the chance to heal up and get ready for next season. We’ll obviously be closely monitoring him and sending someone down there every two or three days to ensure that he’s making progress and to refill the water bowls.” Belichick also confirmed that Gronkowski would not be allowed to rush his recovery, stressing that any attempt to escape the IR cage will lead to “far more serious injuries.”

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close