adBlockCheck

Bill Belichick Visits Hospital To Watch Terminally Ill Fan Die

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bill Belichick Visits Hospital To Watch Terminally Ill Fan Die

BOSTON—Stressing the importance of taking time to make such trips to local medical centers, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly visited Massachusetts General Hospital Thursday to watch terminally ill fan Brian Keller die. “Brian’s a big fan of the team, and as soon as I heard that he had taken a turn for the worse, I came right over to watch him struggle until the end,” said Belichick, who stood outside Keller’s room in the intensive care unit for over three hours and silently stared through the glass as the 28-year-old’s organs shut down and he went into cardiac arrest. “I try to make it out here as many weekends as I can. Sometimes I’ll be here for six or seven hours on a Saturday visiting fans in the cancer ward who are just hanging on by a thread. The look on their faces when they’ve lost consciousness for the last time—you can just see the life draining out of them. It means so much to me to be there in those moments.” Sources confirmed that Belichick stayed to take pictures with Keller for several minutes after doctors had pronounced him dead.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close