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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Bill Belichick Visits Hospital To Watch Terminally Ill Fan Die

BOSTON—Stressing the importance of taking time to make such trips to local medical centers, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly visited Massachusetts General Hospital Thursday to watch terminally ill fan Brian Keller die. “Brian’s a big fan of the team, and as soon as I heard that he had taken a turn for the worse, I came right over to watch him struggle until the end,” said Belichick, who stood outside Keller’s room in the intensive care unit for over three hours and silently stared through the glass as the 28-year-old’s organs shut down and he went into cardiac arrest. “I try to make it out here as many weekends as I can. Sometimes I’ll be here for six or seven hours on a Saturday visiting fans in the cancer ward who are just hanging on by a thread. The look on their faces when they’ve lost consciousness for the last time—you can just see the life draining out of them. It means so much to me to be there in those moments.” Sources confirmed that Belichick stayed to take pictures with Keller for several minutes after doctors had pronounced him dead.

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