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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Bill Belichick: 'We Didn't Win In That Last Second, Did We?'

PHOENIX—Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, the target of much criticism this week after his brusque exit from the playing field with one second left in the Super Bowl Sunday, questioned reporters gathered outside the team's locker room as to whether or not his players had somehow created a turnover during the Giants' final kneel-down and scored the winning touchdown. "Did we end up making a couple of more plays than the other team ended up making during the final second?" Belichick asked. "I'm assuming Randy Moss didn't happen to leap over the Giants offensive line, throw himself under Eli Manning's knee, causing a fumble which was then picked up by Mike Vrabel and run all the way back for a touchdown, right?" Upon finding out that his team did not in fact pull off an amazing miracle comeback in the controversial second, Belichick muttered something about disappointment and walked off.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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