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Bill Belichick's Tears Eat Through Podium

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Bill Belichick's Tears Eat Through Podium

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a rare show of emotion, Patriots coach Bill Belichick began to cry during linebacker Tedy Bruschi's farewell press conference Monday, shedding a noxious black discharge that burned through the podium and a solid concrete floor before eventually coming to rest deep inside the mantle of the earth below. "He's helped create a tradition here that we're all proud of," Belichick said as the tears melted ribbons of flesh from his cheek, exposing his skull. Reporters fled the scene when superheated chemical fumes emanating from the toxic liquid formed a cloud of poisonous gas, prompting Bruschi to vomit blood just moments after Belichick had called the two-time Pro Bowler a "perfect player." As Belichick sloughed grotesquely into a liquid heap, he was reportedly heard to ask if this is what love is.

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