Bill Belichick's Tears Eat Through Podium

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Vol 45 Issue 36

Area Man Has Heard Of Andre Ethier

BRECKSVILLE, OH—Local man and casual baseball fan Leon Markham confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he has definitely heard the name of baseball player Andre Ethier. "Andrew Ethier, yeah. Shortstop for the Phillies, right?" Markham said of the Dodgers outfielder. "He's good at hitting.

Kevin Youkilis Keeps Everyone On Bus Awake With Another One Of His Nasty Sex Stories

TAMPA, FL—Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis reportedly prevented everyone on the team bus from sleeping Monday when he loudly described in disgusting detail the elasticity and mucus secretions of his girlfriend's vagina. "Man, she was pretty hot and bothered, because I'd been stirring up her soup for a while," said Youkilis, adding that her neatly trimmed pubic hair and thighs, as well as their sheets, were all soaked in "pussy juice."

Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Organizers of the LXXXI Olympiad, which would be held in the capital city of Port-au-Prince, said the event will showcase the many attractions that are sure to be conceptualized, financed, and constructed over the next 207 years.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Bill Belichick's Tears Eat Through Podium

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a rare show of emotion, Patriots coach Bill Belichick began to cry during linebacker Tedy Bruschi's farewell press conference Monday, shedding a noxious black discharge that burned through the podium and a solid concrete floor before eventually coming to rest deep inside the mantle of the earth below. "He's helped create a tradition here that we're all proud of," Belichick said as the tears melted ribbons of flesh from his cheek, exposing his skull. Reporters fled the scene when superheated chemical fumes emanating from the toxic liquid formed a cloud of poisonous gas, prompting Bruschi to vomit blood just moments after Belichick had called the two-time Pro Bowler a "perfect player." As Belichick sloughed grotesquely into a liquid heap, he was reportedly heard to ask if this is what love is.

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