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Bill Belichick's Tears Eat Through Podium

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How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Bill Belichick's Tears Eat Through Podium

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a rare show of emotion, Patriots coach Bill Belichick began to cry during linebacker Tedy Bruschi's farewell press conference Monday, shedding a noxious black discharge that burned through the podium and a solid concrete floor before eventually coming to rest deep inside the mantle of the earth below. "He's helped create a tradition here that we're all proud of," Belichick said as the tears melted ribbons of flesh from his cheek, exposing his skull. Reporters fled the scene when superheated chemical fumes emanating from the toxic liquid formed a cloud of poisonous gas, prompting Bruschi to vomit blood just moments after Belichick had called the two-time Pro Bowler a "perfect player." As Belichick sloughed grotesquely into a liquid heap, he was reportedly heard to ask if this is what love is.

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