adBlockCheck

Bill Bellamy Elected To Rock 'N' Jock Basketball Hall Of Fame

Top Headlines

Sports

Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Satisfaction

Bill Bellamy Elected To Rock 'N' Jock Basketball Hall Of Fame

LOS ANGELES—In what many agreed was perhaps the surest bet in all of sports, former Violators player, coach, and all-around legend Bill Bellamy was elected to the Rock 'N' Jock Basketball Hall of Fame Tuesday.

Bellamy, who was the first player ever to receive 100 percent of the vote, leads a 2009 Hall of Fame class that includes former Blossom star Joey Lawrence, Mark Curry, and Shawn Kemp, as well as Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, chosen for their legendary 1991 halftime performance of "Good Vibrations."

Coolio and Isaiah Rider were also selected by the Rock 'N' Jock Veterans Committee, which consists of Kenny Lofton and Boyz II Men.

Former Bricklayer Dean Cain, who received only 5 percent of the vote, was snubbed for the eighth consecutive year and is no longer eligible for induction.

"This is a tremendous honor and one that I do not take for granted," Bellamy told reporters, adding that while he had known his place in the Hall was virtually secure, he had spent the week nervously awaiting the call from Hall of Fame chairman and Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea. "When I heard Flea's voice telling me I'd made it, tears came to my eyes. I was just overwhelmed with memories of putting on that Violator uniform and lavalier microphone and seeing the 25-point basket lowered for the first time."

"I am very humbled," Bellamy added. "I owe this to all the people I had the opportunity to play with and against, including [current Hall of Famers] Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Queen Latifah, and, of course, Dan [Cortese]. Thank you. Thank you all so much."

"Now I have to get going. I'm hosting a new reality television show where white guys date black women. It's funny."

Winner of two MVP awards and a co-MVP he shared with female hip-hop trio Salt-N-Pepa, the MTV Jams host was not just a Rock 'N' Jock basketball phenom but was arguably the game's greatest ambassador. Bellamy shot a league-best 63 percent from 50-point range, electrified crowds with passing reminiscent of Maravich, and as coach took a chance on Baywatch actor and virtual league unknown David Charvet.

According to official sources, Bellamy's Hall of Fame plaque will read: "William 'Bill' Bellamy, Violator, 1992–1996: The Greatest of All Time."

"A lot of people say Bill Bellamy was the Michael Jordan of Rock 'N' Jock basketball, but I think Michael Jordan was the Bill Bellamy of the NBA," Violators general manager Kareem Abdul-Jabbar told reporters. "Not only was he tenacious on the offensive and defensive ends of the court, but when he did live commentary during games, he was always funny without losing focus. The exact opposite of David Alan Grier."

"He exemplified what it meant to be a Violator," former teammate, player, and Naughty by Nature member DJ Kay Gee said. "But nobody quite remembers that he was an even better coach. Bill knew when to trust his players, like in 1994, when he changed into a fancy suit for the fourth quarter and used a dry-erase board to draw up the game-winning 10-point play for Chris Webber. Also, I'm not sure I'm supposed to say this, but it was actually Bill's idea to trade Vlade Divac for John Salley at halftime in 1992, not Magic Johnson's."

Located in the Loyola Marymount University gymnasium, the Rock 'N' Jock Basketball Hall of Fame holds some of the most treasured relics from the annual two-team contest. Guests are greeted at the front entrance by a bronzed statue of Michael Rapaport begging Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to give him more playing time. Also on display is the first ever 50-point peach basket, a documentary about the history of Rock 'N' Jock basketball narrated by David Duchovny, the red sticks referees used to signal the lowering of the 25-point basket, and the actual ball used by Gary Payton in his historic 250-point game.

Bellamy will reportedly be enshrined in the Hall by Bricklayer player-coach Dan Cortese, his fiercest rival. Cortese, a two-sport star who was also one of the original five inductees into the Rock 'N' Jock Softball Hall of Fame, told reporters that he and Bellamy pushed each other on the court and brought out each other's best.

"There was certainly an intense Russell-Chamberlain, Bird-Magic rivalry between us," the former MTV Sports host said in a statement. "We didn't necessarily like each other, but we did respect each other. I still contend that him telling me I had a booger hanging out of my nose during the opening tip-off in1994 was a cheap way to distract me, and probably led to us losing that game, but I probably would have done the same thing."

Hosted by Mike Myers, the Hall of Fame induction ceremony will be broadcast on MTV on Sept. 12 at 8 p.m., and every hour after that for the next three months.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close