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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Bill Clinton Finally Just Shows America His Penis

CHARLOTTE, NC—During his speech Wednesday evening at the Democratic National Convention in downtown Charlotte, former U.S. president Bill Clinton finally just unzipped his fly and showed the entire country his penis.

Sources at the convention told reporters that shortly after stepping onstage at the Time Warner Cable Arena, the 42nd president of the United States quieted the audience’s extended standing ovation with his raised hands and began to speak loudly and confidently.

“My fellow Americans, for the past 20 years you have all, at various points, talked and thought about my penis, or at least heard direct or indirect references to my penis in news reports, in court records, or in the culture at large,” the former commander in chief said. “My penis has, in a sense, been a central part of American life for the better part of two decades. And yet, the nation has never seen it. Tonight, I’d like to finally change that.”

“So should we just get this over with then?” the president asked the 20,000-member audience, as well as millions watching the nationwide telecast. “Should I show you my penis?”

Immediately after Clinton asked this question, there was reportedly a brief pause, after which a few murmured consents of approval were audible in the crowd, as well as a number of voices clearly shouting “okay” and “sure.”

Sources said the sounds of convention attendees shifting in their seats could then be heard as the president stepped forward to the end of the stage.

“Okay, I’m going to show you my penis now,” said the former president, his hand reaching for his pants zipper as a dead quiet fell over the arena. “Wow. You know, it’s funny, now that it’s finally happening, I actually feel a little nervous. I think it’s good that I’m doing it, but still… Okay, here goes.”

Clinton then slowly unzipped his fly, gingerly reached inside his pants, and retrieved his flaccid penis, which he proceeded to let hang out in the open in clear view.

“There’s my penis,” the nation’s former chief executive said on live television. “There he is.”

“I’m just going to leave it out for a while so everybody can get a good look,” added Clinton, turning his waist from side to side in order to give everyone in the audience an optimal view. “Can everyone in the back see okay? Make sure the cameras here in the front can get a good close-up of my penis.”

After a full five minutes of standing silently with his penis in full view as cameras flashed all around him, the president carefully tucked his penis back into his pants, zipped up his fly, smiled, told the audience, “Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America,” and walked off stage.

When reached for comment on the speech, President Obama told reporters, “We are glad to have President Clinton’s support.”

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