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Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

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Bill Clinton Finally Just Shows America His Penis

CHARLOTTE, NC—During his speech Wednesday evening at the Democratic National Convention in downtown Charlotte, former U.S. president Bill Clinton finally just unzipped his fly and showed the entire country his penis.

Sources at the convention told reporters that shortly after stepping onstage at the Time Warner Cable Arena, the 42nd president of the United States quieted the audience’s extended standing ovation with his raised hands and began to speak loudly and confidently.

“My fellow Americans, for the past 20 years you have all, at various points, talked and thought about my penis, or at least heard direct or indirect references to my penis in news reports, in court records, or in the culture at large,” the former commander in chief said. “My penis has, in a sense, been a central part of American life for the better part of two decades. And yet, the nation has never seen it. Tonight, I’d like to finally change that.”

“So should we just get this over with then?” the president asked the 20,000-member audience, as well as millions watching the nationwide telecast. “Should I show you my penis?”

Immediately after Clinton asked this question, there was reportedly a brief pause, after which a few murmured consents of approval were audible in the crowd, as well as a number of voices clearly shouting “okay” and “sure.”

Sources said the sounds of convention attendees shifting in their seats could then be heard as the president stepped forward to the end of the stage.

“Okay, I’m going to show you my penis now,” said the former president, his hand reaching for his pants zipper as a dead quiet fell over the arena. “Wow. You know, it’s funny, now that it’s finally happening, I actually feel a little nervous. I think it’s good that I’m doing it, but still… Okay, here goes.”

Clinton then slowly unzipped his fly, gingerly reached inside his pants, and retrieved his flaccid penis, which he proceeded to let hang out in the open in clear view.

“There’s my penis,” the nation’s former chief executive said on live television. “There he is.”

“I’m just going to leave it out for a while so everybody can get a good look,” added Clinton, turning his waist from side to side in order to give everyone in the audience an optimal view. “Can everyone in the back see okay? Make sure the cameras here in the front can get a good close-up of my penis.”

After a full five minutes of standing silently with his penis in full view as cameras flashed all around him, the president carefully tucked his penis back into his pants, zipped up his fly, smiled, told the audience, “Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America,” and walked off stage.

When reached for comment on the speech, President Obama told reporters, “We are glad to have President Clinton’s support.”

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