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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bill Clinton Starts Own Presidential School

NEW YORK—Former president Bill Clinton announced Wednesday the opening of the Bill Clinton President School, a four-day training program taught by the 42nd president that offers students the skills necessary to win the 2008 general election and become a successful two-term president of the United States. "Aren't you tired of not being president?"

Clinton asks in a local cable advertisement for the school, during which the former head of state is seated behind a computer, talks directly to the camera, and wears a hands-free telephone headset. "Only students who attend the Bill Clinton President School will receive real-world presidential knowledge from me, a real former president. Learn how to appoint Supreme Court justices who fit your political agenda, the best Washington, D.C. jogging routes, and tricks for enduring the impeachment process. People, the election is in six short days. What are you waiting for? Become president today." The Bill Clinton President School is located on 146th Street in Harlem above the Flying Dragon Tae Kwon Do School.

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