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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Bill Clinton Starts Own Presidential School

NEW YORK—Former president Bill Clinton announced Wednesday the opening of the Bill Clinton President School, a four-day training program taught by the 42nd president that offers students the skills necessary to win the 2008 general election and become a successful two-term president of the United States. "Aren't you tired of not being president?"

Clinton asks in a local cable advertisement for the school, during which the former head of state is seated behind a computer, talks directly to the camera, and wears a hands-free telephone headset. "Only students who attend the Bill Clinton President School will receive real-world presidential knowledge from me, a real former president. Learn how to appoint Supreme Court justices who fit your political agenda, the best Washington, D.C. jogging routes, and tricks for enduring the impeachment process. People, the election is in six short days. What are you waiting for? Become president today." The Bill Clinton President School is located on 146th Street in Harlem above the Flying Dragon Tae Kwon Do School.

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