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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bill Gates Spends $56 Million On Amazon In One Night

SEATTLE—With his wife away on a research trip for the Gates Foundation, Microsoft founder Bill Gates spent $56 million on Amazon in a single marathon session late Wednesday night. "The kids were in bed, and I was thinking about how it had been a long time since I'd heard any Yes, so I bought the MP3 for 'Leave It,'" Gates said as he opened one of the 13,846 boxes that had arrived at his house. "Then I started looking into other songs Trevor Horn produced and bought all the Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Art of Noise CDs they had. I guess that sort of inspired me, because next I purchased Amazon's entire inventory of musical instruments, equipment, and software, and before I knew it, I somehow ended up with 200 sets of luggage, all their TVs, a bunch of kayaks, that Krakauer book about the Mormons, and I don't even know how many walk-in freezers. Oh, and a dozen chandeliers and a birdbath and pretty much all their watches, too." Gates told reporters he came to his senses at about 5 a.m. after realizing he had nearly purchased a controlling stake in the company.

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