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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Bill Gates Spends $56 Million On Amazon In One Night

SEATTLE—With his wife away on a research trip for the Gates Foundation, Microsoft founder Bill Gates spent $56 million on Amazon in a single marathon session late Wednesday night. "The kids were in bed, and I was thinking about how it had been a long time since I'd heard any Yes, so I bought the MP3 for 'Leave It,'" Gates said as he opened one of the 13,846 boxes that had arrived at his house. "Then I started looking into other songs Trevor Horn produced and bought all the Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Art of Noise CDs they had. I guess that sort of inspired me, because next I purchased Amazon's entire inventory of musical instruments, equipment, and software, and before I knew it, I somehow ended up with 200 sets of luggage, all their TVs, a bunch of kayaks, that Krakauer book about the Mormons, and I don't even know how many walk-in freezers. Oh, and a dozen chandeliers and a birdbath and pretty much all their watches, too." Gates told reporters he came to his senses at about 5 a.m. after realizing he had nearly purchased a controlling stake in the company.

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