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Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Bill Gates To Get Half

REDMOND, WA—In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he will be getting half.

Gates, whose savvy and aggressiveness propelled his Microsoft corporation to the top of the business world and made him America’s richest man with an estimated fortune of $18 billion, announced his plan at a press conference yesterday from his Seattle-area compound. “I get half,” he explained.

It has not yet been decided if Gates’ half will be taken straight down the middle or by liquidating all assets and dividing up raw capital. The question will be settled later this week by a special session of Gates’ half of the U.S. Congress.

“Don’t touch anything until you’re sure it’s not part of my half,” Gates instructed the world’s citizenry yesterday via the several million 40-foot-high projection screens he has scattered throughout the globe. “I don’t want anyone messing up stuff in my half.”

Until everything can be clearly divided between Gates and persons who are not Gates, measures will be taken to ensure the integrity of Gates’ half.

Citizens are instructed to remain in their homes, consuming a carefully monitored minimum of their perishables and subjecting their personal possessions to as little wear and tear as possible.

In the event something belonging to Gates is consumed or damaged, Gates announced he will take punitive action, levying fines of up to $14 billion, and may even insist that offenders themselves be included in his half.

“Don’t take from my half,” the 36-year-old Gates said. “Ice cream and cool cars are part of my half.” Gates also expressed interest in possessing Apple, IBM and the former Soviet Union.

“You know, I own the Bettman Archive,” Gates said. “You can’t look at it unless I say so.”

Gates’ half will be collected via an advanced subroutine built directly into Windows 95. Computer users without Windows 95 will have it automatically sent to them, with the cost of the program deducted from their half.

Those without computers will be directed to special Gates-owned DNA-resequencing centers where a special bio-silicate form of Windows 95 will be injected directly into their bloodstreams. Once in the bloodstream, the Windows program is designed to breed virally at the base of its host brainstem and to begin work on calculating Gates’ half.

“Everyone must contribute to my half,” Gates said. “Any number, no matter how small, can be divided into two halves, one of which will be mine.”

Gates would not comment on the possibility of eventually increasing his share from a mere half to a controlling interest.

Sources close to Gates would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Gates might offer up to 15 percent of his half in exchange for the other half of the world.

“The transitional period may be difficult,” Gates said. “But it will be quick. I hope that this time will be remembered pleasantly in the half of people’s minds that remain their own.”

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