Bill Gates To Get Half

In This Section

Vol 29 Issue 24

Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker: My wife and I recently moved from Florida to Minnesota, where I was offered a much better job. Problem is, she hates everything about Minnesota. Am I being cruel or is she just being stubborn? —Stump...

Local Merchant 'Sane Freddie' Driven Out of Business

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A era in discount merchandising came to an end Sunday, when the last of the famed Sane Freddie’s electronics stores closed its doors, a victim of what one industry analyst termed “the trend toward psychosis in American retail.”

Pet Eligibles

Maggie, a six-year old Australian Shepherd mix, has an unbelievable tongue that's eager to lick gravy off anything; maybe even you! Loves kids. Max, a three-year-old tabby, was given up recently by his owner. Perfect for medical experiments requiring animals with iron constitutions and high pain thresholds.

My Seed Is Pure

For eight years I have been the leading supplier of hybrid seed corn in Winneshiek County, and the reason is clear: My seed is pure! I have come to assume my dominant position in this farm community due to the high quality and timely delivery of my seed. ...

Sports

Olympic mascot Izzy is at it again! When he's not appearing in corporate product placements, he's teaching kids worldwide that America has no cultural identity!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Bill Gates To Get Half

REDMOND, WA—In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he will be getting half.

Gates, whose savvy and aggressiveness propelled his Microsoft corporation to the top of the business world and made him America’s richest man with an estimated fortune of $18 billion, announced his plan at a press conference yesterday from his Seattle-area compound. “I get half,” he explained.

It has not yet been decided if Gates’ half will be taken straight down the middle or by liquidating all assets and dividing up raw capital. The question will be settled later this week by a special session of Gates’ half of the U.S. Congress.

“Don’t touch anything until you’re sure it’s not part of my half,” Gates instructed the world’s citizenry yesterday via the several million 40-foot-high projection screens he has scattered throughout the globe. “I don’t want anyone messing up stuff in my half.”

Until everything can be clearly divided between Gates and persons who are not Gates, measures will be taken to ensure the integrity of Gates’ half.

Citizens are instructed to remain in their homes, consuming a carefully monitored minimum of their perishables and subjecting their personal possessions to as little wear and tear as possible.

In the event something belonging to Gates is consumed or damaged, Gates announced he will take punitive action, levying fines of up to $14 billion, and may even insist that offenders themselves be included in his half.

“Don’t take from my half,” the 36-year-old Gates said. “Ice cream and cool cars are part of my half.” Gates also expressed interest in possessing Apple, IBM and the former Soviet Union.

“You know, I own the Bettman Archive,” Gates said. “You can’t look at it unless I say so.”

Gates’ half will be collected via an advanced subroutine built directly into Windows 95. Computer users without Windows 95 will have it automatically sent to them, with the cost of the program deducted from their half.

Those without computers will be directed to special Gates-owned DNA-resequencing centers where a special bio-silicate form of Windows 95 will be injected directly into their bloodstreams. Once in the bloodstream, the Windows program is designed to breed virally at the base of its host brainstem and to begin work on calculating Gates’ half.

“Everyone must contribute to my half,” Gates said. “Any number, no matter how small, can be divided into two halves, one of which will be mine.”

Gates would not comment on the possibility of eventually increasing his share from a mere half to a controlling interest.

Sources close to Gates would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Gates might offer up to 15 percent of his half in exchange for the other half of the world.

“The transitional period may be difficult,” Gates said. “But it will be quick. I hope that this time will be remembered pleasantly in the half of people’s minds that remain their own.”

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More