adBlockCheck

Bill Introduced As Joke Signed Into Law

Top Headlines

Politics

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bill Introduced As Joke Signed Into Law

WASHINGTON, DC—A bill introduced by Sen. George Allen (R-VA) as "just a goof" several weeks ago was signed into law by President Bush Tuesday.

"I was just trying to crack up Frist and some of the other guys," Allen said. "Everyone's been on edge lately, what with the Katrina situation, and I thought we could use a good laugh."

Added Allen: "Looks like the joke's on me. And, I suppose, the American citizens."

S. 1718, also known as the Preservation Of Public Lands Of America Act, authorized a shift of $138 billion from the federal Medicare fund to a massive landscaping effort that, over the next five years, will transform Yellowstone National Park into a luxury private golf estate.

"I thought it was pretty damn funny when I read over the draft of the thing," said Allen, who said he struggled to keep a straight face when he introduced the law. "Especially the part about how it would create over 10,000 caddy and drink-girl jobs. But I guess it went over people's heads."

The bill passed with a vote of 63-37.

Allen said he thought the Senate bill clerk was "playing along" when he forwarded the bill to the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works.

"At the close of the day Monday, I went over to thank [Committee Chairman] Jim [Inhofe (R-OK)], and told him how I hoped 'the bill' got 'a fair hearing,'" Allen said. "He got real earnest on me, saying how it's his job to give every bill a fair hearing. I said to myself, 'My God, he thinks it's for real.'"

The 18-member committee sent the bill to the Senate floor the next day with an approval vote of 14-4.

"I mean, Obama didn't vote for it," Allen said, referring to Illinois Democrat Sen. Barack Obama, who is often at ideological odds with his fellow Republican committee members. "I was like, 'Okay, one guy gets the joke,' but then I talked to him later and I realized he had no idea. When I explained the whole thing, he brought out that chestnut about how 'it's not funny if you have to explain it.'"

Allen added: "He's usually good for a laugh. I don't know what's up."

According to Allen, the Committee on Environment and Public Works not only took S. 1718 seriously, it inadvertently made it funnier.

"I was still sort of frustrated that no one was catching on, but I couldn't help but chuckle a little when the newly amended bill returned to the Senate," Allen said. "The thing where they were calling the water hazards 'ecological conservation areas' was pure comedy genius."

The only senator to suspect that the act was a joke was Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE), who said he later overcame his suspicions, reasoning that "if it got this far, it must be valid."

[pagebreak]

"Now, the bankruptcy reform bill that passed in April, I thought for sure that was meant to be ironic," Biden said. "I actually voted for it out of total sarcasm. My mistake, obviously."

In accordance with the unwittingly signed joke law, construction begins on Yellowstone's 15th hole.

After passing overwhelmingly with very little deliberation on Tuesday, the "obvious put-on" traveled to the House, where once again representatives approved it with a vote of 409-26.

The experience left Allen puzzling for an explanation.

"Maybe my idea was too dry," Allen said. "Maybe I should have introduced a bill that was even crazier, like mandating tracking collars for all American taxpayers. Then again, seeing how things turned out, it's probably just as well I didn't."

Once Allen found out that Bush would be signing the bill into law in a special Rose Garden ceremony, he decided to let the matter drop, saying that he was "in too deep to start explaining things now."

"I respect our commander-in-chief greatly," Allen said. "But unless Gallagher himself stuck the bill in a watermelon and bashed it with his Sledge-O-Matic, there's no chance [Bush] would catch on."

Following the Rose Garden ceremony, the news that the newly minted law was conceived as a lark confused some senators.

"Are we talking about the same bill here?" said Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA), who voted for the act. "The golf-course legislation, right? I'm sorry, but I still don't get it. Is it funny because it was introduced in the Senate and not the House?"

Although Allen's bill was assumed to be in earnest, some senators were quick to insist that the Senate floor isn't always so humorless.

"We're all very serious about our task, but that doesn't mean we don't enjoy a good-natured poke in the ribs once in a while," Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) said. "I remember the time [Sen. Russ] Feingold introduced his universal health care bill. I was laughing so hard, I almost needed medical attention!"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close