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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Bill Laimbeer Reverently Elbows Chuck Daly's Coffin Into Grave

JUPITER, FL—Beloved NBA and Olympic coach Chuck Daly, who passed away May 9 after a battle with pancreatic cancer, was laid to rest by family and friends yesterday in a quiet ceremony at which a visibly moved and weeping Bill Laimbeer respectfully hard-fouled Daly's casket into its final resting place with a savage and reverent elbow. "That's for teaching me to have respect for myself and never give up, Coach," Laimbeer said as Daly's pallbearers, including former Pistons John Salley, Joe Dumars, and Rick Mahorn, sprawled back on the grass with their arms outstretched and looked to the funeral director for a whistle. "Thank you, Mr. Daly, for making me the man I am today." The otherwise touching ceremony was marred only by an outburst of emotion from Dennis Rodman, who threw himself into Daly's grave and writhed sobbing on the coffin while tearing at his black silk wedding dress.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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