adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

Bill Maher Spends All Night Arguing With Republican Hooker

LOS ANGELES—Sources close to Bill Maher report that the comedian and host of HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher spent Friday evening arguing with Carolyn Dobson, a prostitute from the London Escorts Agency and a supporter of the Republican Party.

Maher escorts Dobson through the W Hotel lobby.

Dobson and Maher, who occupied an executive suite at the W Hotel, reportedly argued on subjects ranging from the Bush Administration's financial accounting for the Iraq war to its refusal to release records to the public in accordance with the Freedom Of Information Act. The two also engaged in three consensual sex acts, for which the comedian paid $750.

Maher, who was nominated for an Emmy Award in 2001 for his work on ABC's Politically Incorrect, made his first political observation early in the evening. Shortly after entering the hotel room, he turned his attention from Dobson, who was unpacking her bag, to the television screen, where CNN commentator Eleanor Clift appeared on The McLaughlin Group.

Sitting on the edge of the bed and watching the television as he removed his shoes, Maher asked about Dobson's political affiliation. Dobson responded that she did not vote in the last election, but if she had, she would have supported Bush.

"Let me tell you something about Bush's domestic agenda, Carolyn," Maher said. "He doesn't have one. I mean, take a look at his State Of The Union address. Sports coaches need to crack down on athletes' use of steroids? I'm sorry, that's not a vision for America's future. That's a Sports Illustrated op-ed topic."

Dobson said she didn't initially attempt to argue with the winner of four Cable Ace Awards.

"I was getting all my condoms and lubricants and stuff out," Dobson said. "I told him straight sex was $250 and asked him to pick what I should wear. He chose the pink negligee."

While the prostitute phoned Maher's credit-card number into her agency, the quick-witted pundit returned his attention to the television screen, where a news segment showed Bush addressing military personnel at CENTCOM headquarters in Tampa, FL.

"Bush was thanking the soldiers for protecting America, and [Maher] was like, 'They'd better soak up his thanks now, Carolyn, because—' something about how Bush is gonna cut their healthcare," Dobson said. "I was like, 'I'm surprised you don't like Bush, because most successful guys do.' He was like, 'Okay, new rule: No more choosing political parties the way we choose the homecoming court.'"

Added Dobson: "Then he asked me to put my face up next to his dick while he jerked off."

According to Dobson, during the approximately 40 minutes of copulation, the comedian restricted his comments to requests for changes of position or velocity. After ejaculation, however, he introduced the topic of John Kerry's election platform.

"Two weeks ago, Kerry said that preventing nuclear terrorism would be his highest priority as president," Maher said, a rivulet of semen trickling down his right leg. "Given that statement, you'd expect Kerry to have a broad, ambitious agenda on nuclear non-proliferation, wouldn't you? Well, I'm sorry, Carolyn, but you'd be 100 percent wrong."

Added Maher: "Interesting, isn't it, that not one American president has made the halt of our nuclear-weapons program a priority?"

When Dobson informed Maher that it would be $500 more if she stayed the evening, Maher agreed to the fee, and reportedly continued to introduce various topical discussions, at one point lifting Dobson's head from between his legs to ask a pointed question.

"He was like, 'How can a whore support an administration that legislates against her own livelihood?" Dobson said. "And I was like, 'Don't call me a whore.'"

Maher did not limit the debate to politics, introducing hot-button issues ranging from space tourism to dead otters to the Supreme Court ruling on HMOs, and even riffing for several minutes on "so-called independently funded drug studies."

Dobson admitted that the author of Does Anybody Have A Problem With That? Politically Incorrect's Greatest Hits did ultimately goad her into a debate.

"I said I heard that Bush created a lot of jobs lately," Dobson said. "He rolled off of me and got up on his knees and was like, 'Created jobs? Honey, tell me, if you don't mind, what exactly Bush has done to create jobs. Do you mean jobs in Mexico and India?' I was like, 'I just know there are more jobs.' He was like, 'Yeah, I know a lot of Halliburton execs who agree with you.'"

"His stomach has this weird scar on it," Dobson added.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close