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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Bill Murray Shoots 18-Under To Win Pebble Beach Pro-Am

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Funnyman Bill Murray put the finishing touches on six-under 66 Sunday at the annual Pebble Beach National Pro-Am, edging out Phil Mickelson and Jim Furyk by five strokes apiece to clinch his first tournament win of the season. "I've been working a lot on my short game lately, and listen, I've played this course enough times to know where the trouble spots are, especially on the dogleg left on 16," said Murray, who also pushed his caddie into a sand trap on the 12th hole and yelled "You missed a spot!" "I think the key today was not paying attention to the scoreboard and just focusing on hitting the greens. They call me a crowd-pleaser, and I did just that by playing a solid round of golf." Other highlights from Murray's performance included his eagle on 5, his masterful par save on the 15th, and the time he jokingly attempted to depants Ernie Els while Els was lining up for a putt.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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