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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Bill O'Brien Promises To Never Uphold The Traditions And Values Penn State Now Stands For

STATE COLLEGE, PA—New head coach Bill O'Brien held an introductory press conference Saturday in which he explicitly promised to never, ever uphold the traditions and values now equated with Penn State football. "I'm very familiar with the principles established within this program, and I can assure everyone out there that those will be completely wiped away," O'Brien said sternly, adding that legacy, history, and culture are also very important things for a new coach to restart from scratch. "If Joe Paterno taught us anything in his 46 years here—you know what, on second thought, let's just remember that football has been played here for a long time, and continuing to play football is something I feel strongly about." O'Brien then spent a full minute shaking his head, sighing loudly, and occasionally rubbing his temples, before turning his attention back to reporters and saying, "This is really going to suck, isn't it?"

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