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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Bill O'Brien Promises To Never Uphold The Traditions And Values Penn State Now Stands For

STATE COLLEGE, PA—New head coach Bill O'Brien held an introductory press conference Saturday in which he explicitly promised to never, ever uphold the traditions and values now equated with Penn State football. "I'm very familiar with the principles established within this program, and I can assure everyone out there that those will be completely wiped away," O'Brien said sternly, adding that legacy, history, and culture are also very important things for a new coach to restart from scratch. "If Joe Paterno taught us anything in his 46 years here—you know what, on second thought, let's just remember that football has been played here for a long time, and continuing to play football is something I feel strongly about." O'Brien then spent a full minute shaking his head, sighing loudly, and occasionally rubbing his temples, before turning his attention back to reporters and saying, "This is really going to suck, isn't it?"

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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