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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Bill Romanowski Bursts Into Senate To Deny He Ever Took Steroids

WASHINGTON, DC—Former NFL linebacker Bill Romanowski, known during his 17-year career as a gung-ho fitness freak with a near-perfect physique, receding hairline, and extremely short temper, ran onto the floor of the United States Capitol building Monday, interrupting Samuel Alito's Supreme Court confirmation hearings and resisting the efforts of Capitol police to detain him while loudly and repeatedly insisting he never took steroids. "This is all natural muscle—I could still play today!" said Romanowski, the cords standing out on his neck as he proclaimed his innocence, apparently forgetting that he confessed to steroid use on 60 Minutes in October 2005. "Get off me! I'm talking to the freaking Senate!" Romanowski was eventually wrestled to the ground by law-enforcement officers and charged with creating a public disturbance and battery after breaking the nose and orbital bone of Capitol police officer Mark Williams.

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