adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Bill Simmons Releases 2,000-Page Book Exploring How Fucking Clever He Is

BOSTON—Grantland and ESPN sports columnist Bill Simmons has written a new book titled Wit, Brilliance, Insight, Simmons, a semiautobiographical amalgam of sports, pop culture, and American history as seen through the unique lens of how goddamn ingenious Simmons is.

Wit, Brilliance, Insight, Simmons contains 2,096 pages; 84 chapters; 344 charts, tables, and graphs; 186 photographs of Simmons standing next to former Celtics players, sitcom actors, or Barack Obama; six appendices, including one explaining the book's more than 16,000 obscure but undeniably apt references; and an exhaustive index cataloguing mentions of more than 700 Boston athletes, 600 athletes from other cities or regions, and 500 television characters, as well as 6,000 mentions of Simmons himself.

"I'm extremely proud of this book, which I think I'd really have to call my life's work—or, at least, the work of my life thus far," Simmons said at a launch party sponsored by publisher McSweeney's and hosted by Malcolm Gladwell, who did not manage to find an opportunity to speak. "And it's a great book, if I do say so myself. I still think of myself as the Cousin Oliver of sportswriters, but today I feel like Dr. J in 1983."

"That's an unloved late-series Brady Bunch character and the only year Julius Irving won an NBA championship," Simmons added. "Sorry if I lost you for a second there."

Simmons, who began his career as "The Sports Guy" on AOL, broke new sportswriting ground with such insights as the way in which sports, like Beverly Hills, 90210, is a metaphor for life, and how fanhood when your team is winning is different from fanhood when your team is losing in the same way Diff’rent Strokes is different from Webster—while one is obviously and demonstrably superior, both are far better than nothing.

In his 14-page introduction to Wit, Brilliance, Insight, Simmons, pop culture critic Chuck Klosterman poses the question of whether Simmons is brilliant because of his decision to embrace the entirety of television while writing for people who like to watch sports on television or, indeed, in spite of it.

Simmons himself declined to address the question.

"What I really love about my writing—and believe me there's a lot I love about it—is that my love for my writing comes across in what I've written," Simmons said while signing books for party attendees, some of whom had reportedly requested the honor. "I have in any case been told it does, sometimes at its oddest moments, and that, for me, is a source of great pride. But I confess what I'm most proud of are the comparisons to the greats: Damon Runyon, Ring Lardner, David Halberstam, John McPhee, Aaron Spelling. I'm really glad I was able to make those."

"I've been blessed with an amazing career," Simmons said. "When I think of how my writing could have been the work of any number of people capable of comparing the '80s show Dynasty to the '90s Bulls dynasty, well, I feel like the luckiest smartest man alive."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close