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Bill Simmons Ventures Into Interdimensional Vortex To Find Out If LeBron James Could Dominate In Different NBA Eras

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Bill Simmons Ventures Into Interdimensional Vortex To Find Out If LeBron James Could Dominate In Different NBA Eras

THE MULTIVERSE—Aiming to settle the longstanding debate over LeBron James’ place within basketball history, Grantland editor-in-chief Bill Simmons reportedly stepped into an interdimensional vortex Thursday to determine if the Miami Heat star would have dominated in other NBA eras.

Reports confirmed the longtime ESPN columnist created various ripples in the fabric of space-time and opened the door to an infinite cascade of universes in which James matched up against the best players from each period of NBA history.

“We can already label LeBron as the best player of his generation—that debate is all but over—but the big question is whether he would have been the top guy during the way more physical, pre-hand-check-rule NBA,” said Simmons, who reportedly warped through a cluster of dark matter to watch James face off against the Chicago Bulls in the 1991 Eastern Conference Finals as a member of Chuck Daly’s Detroit Pistons. “He just wouldn’t get the calls back then that he gets in 2014.”

“That said, even with players literally getting clotheslined while driving to the basket, LeBron is big enough and strong enough to cope with the physicality of the ’90s,” continued Simmons, carefully watching as James received the ball from Isaiah Thomas and then darted through Scottie Pippen and Bill Cartwright for a heavily contested dunk. “But I still can’t see him winning more than two championships while the Bulls were at their peak. He’d win, but he wouldn’t have a dynasty.”

Pinning the four-time MVP against a variety of iconic players such as Bill Russell, Jerry West, and Larry Bird, Simmons reportedly vibrated his subatomic particles through a number of time streams and planes of reality, enabling the sports columnist to venture across any conceivable point within limitless parallel universes in order to appraise the theoretical scenarios in person.

“LeBron is, in a lot of ways, the most complete player we’ve ever seen, especially in terms of pure physical attributes and basketball IQ,” Simmons said as every molecule in his body gradually materialized in the mouth of a Lorentzian traversable wormhole that opened courtside at the Forum in 1985. “And based on how he’s holding his own against Kareem [Abdul-Jabbar], who’s arguably the toughest player to guard ever, there’s no doubt that he would have been a powerhouse during the Magic-Bird era of the ’80s.”

Sources indicated that Simmons then manipulated the universal wave function to enter an isolated pocket dimension where Oscar Robertson, his body retroactively strengthened by modern 21st-century training methods and diet regimens, narrowly lost to James in a one-on-one game held in an endless expanse of empty white space. However, while occupying a Hubble volume within the Level III multiverse hypothesized by Dr. Max Tegmark, the 44-year-old sports writer reportedly questioned whether James would have been as prolific a scorer in the 1960s after seeing the 1964 Boston Celtics beat the 2012 Miami Heat in a  1010,000,000-game series.

“No one is questioning his skills, but he just doesn’t have that killer instinct that Jordan had,” Simmons said as a team of five 28-year-old Michael Jordans defeated five 28-year-old LeBron Jameses—a discovery that led the Grantland editor-in-chief to conclude that the Jordans were “clearly playing in full-blown ‘Eff You’ mode.” “LeBron’s definitely in the conversation of best player ever, but MJ is still at the top of the pyramid.”

“At the end of the day, Jordan is the CT to LeBron’s Adam on The Challenge—there’s only going to be one winner in a head-to-head matchup,” added Simmons, the dissonant echoes of his voice repeating at various octaves in an infinite, crescendoing loop.

According to reports, Simmons continued to venture into increasingly divergent quantum branches, at one point watching James record two touchdowns and 131 yards as a wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns during a regular-season loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Simmons reportedly went on to later—as well as earlier and simultaneously—travel at the speed of light along an arcwise-connected manifold and enter a timeline in which John F. Kennedy survived Lee Harvey Oswald’s 1963 assassination attempt and where a James-led Team USA subsequently won gold over the Soviet Union at the 2008 Summer Olympics in Baghdad.

“LeBron is obviously a Pantheon-level guy who would have been an All-Star in any decade,” said Simmons, his very being and consciousness spreading apart along a 26-dimensional space comprised of bosonic strings. “But the fact remains that he struggled to take ‘alpha dog’ status from Wilt Chamberlain when they played together on the San Francisco Warriors, and he was Robin to Jabari Parker’s Batman when the Milwaukee Bucks won their second straight championship in 2017.”

At press time, a satisfied Bill Simmons migrated into a gravitational vacuum linked to an alternate reality to view the season-nine premiere of the hit NBC show Friday Night Lights.

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