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Billionaires Demand More Federal Scrutiny

Billionaires from across the nation met at an exclusive supper club just before taking their demand for more federal scrutiny to Washington. Five top Onion executives joined in the White House lawn protest.
Billionaires from across the nation met at an exclusive supper club just before taking their demand for more federal scrutiny to Washington. Five top Onion executives joined in the White House lawn protest.

WASHINGTON, DC—In impassioned testimony before the U.S. Congress yesterday, a delegation of 30 billionaires demanded more federal scrutiny over their high-powered business dealings and vast capital assets.

“As the nation’s ultra-elite overclass, we billionaires have for years enjoyed nearly unlimited economic privileges,” said J. Wellington Finch, 84, a Florida shipbuilding magnate. “In addition to millions in questionable federal tax write-offs, we have been the beneficiaries of cushy tax-deferred annuities, oversized retirement funds and shady overseas investments routinely overlooked by the IRS and SEC. We are here today to stand up and finally say, ‘Enough!’”

Before the hearing, the billionaires protested and camped out on the front lawn of the White House bearing exquisite pewter-wrought placards with beautifully detailed gold-inlay lettering reading such slogans as “Stop the Insanity” and “We Demand Justice.”

Yet after one billionaire protester was thought to have damaged the fine fabric of his yachting jacket by sitting on the wet grass, the protestors abandoned the lawn and continued their protest by purchasing and developing all the land surrounding the White House, erecting lavish Vegas-style resorts with Caribbean decor. Teams of shouters then shouted protests such as “Hey, ho, free rides for billionaires have got to go” from atop the resorts’ jade-hewn mezzanines.

The billionaires, meanwhile, enjoyed full-body mineral-oil massages and erotic mud baths in the comfort of their palacial suites.

“Fair is fair!” cried Texas oil baron James Hersfers-Hunt IV at the congressional hearing. His hand-sewn Chinese silk slippers were shielded from the Senate floor by several layers of the finest linen towels flown in that morning from India. (He described the floor as “germ ladened.”) “We control 30% of the nation’s wealth, while comprising .00000001% of the population. That’s outrageous. We must be stopped.”

The oil magnate’s tirade was stopped short by a minor cough, which was quickly suppressed through the administration of powdered rhino horn, a remedy imported from poachers at great expense from East Africa.

Hersfers-Hunt’s sentiments were echoed not only by the other billionaires, but also by a throng of paid lobbyists who massed outside and faithfully repeated his every word.

“The billionaires are sick of having the power to buy and sell people as if they were a mere commodity,” lobbyist Greg Hunjjlers said. “I am being paid over $2,500 an hour to say this.”

Most congressmen were quick to agree with the billionaires’ demand for more scrutiny.

“We value our billionaire consituents,” Sen. Gene McCready (R-ND) said. “Whenever they want something, Rolls Royces, private jets, concubines and mansions start turning up at our doorsteps. We’ve learned that it is pointless to resist such extraordinary bribery.”

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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

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