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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.
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Billions Of Electric Signals Between Neurons Allow Brain To Imagine What Michael Imperioli Looks Like

DAYTON, OH—Displaying an awe-inspiring processing ability unmatched by any machine yet devised, billions of electrical signals surged at light speed from neuron to neuron inside local woman Stacy McClintock’s brain Monday, reportedly allowing the local human resources manager to successfully construct a mental image of 47-year-old film and television actor Michael Imperioli. Sources confirmed that once stimulated, a flood of neurotransmitting chemicals burst across trillions of synapses within her gray matter in a matter of nanoseconds, igniting a fluid and breathtaking mosaic of electrical activity across her cerebral cortex that enabled her to visualize the swept-back hair, dark eyes, and thick brow of the star best known for his portrayal of Christopher Moltisanti on the HBO series The Sopranos. The staggeringly vast fusillade of neurological impulses is said to have not only allowed McClintock to picture Imperioli’s individual facial features, but to comprehend the whole of those discrete parts as well, and—by virtue of the unfathomably complex web of axons and dendrites working in concert on a scale 1,000 times more powerful than today’s fastest supercomputer—to also recall that the Moltisanti character had once been in an amusing scene in which he urinated on the side of Paulie Walnuts’ van. At press time, sources indicated the approximately 100 billion neurons composing McClintock’s brain—the miraculous biological end product of eons upon eons of evolution—had erroneously identified the image in her mind as the face of John Turturro.

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