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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Billions Of Electric Signals Between Neurons Allow Brain To Imagine What Michael Imperioli Looks Like

DAYTON, OH—Displaying an awe-inspiring processing ability unmatched by any machine yet devised, billions of electrical signals surged at light speed from neuron to neuron inside local woman Stacy McClintock’s brain Monday, reportedly allowing the local human resources manager to successfully construct a mental image of 47-year-old film and television actor Michael Imperioli. Sources confirmed that once stimulated, a flood of neurotransmitting chemicals burst across trillions of synapses within her gray matter in a matter of nanoseconds, igniting a fluid and breathtaking mosaic of electrical activity across her cerebral cortex that enabled her to visualize the swept-back hair, dark eyes, and thick brow of the star best known for his portrayal of Christopher Moltisanti on the HBO series The Sopranos. The staggeringly vast fusillade of neurological impulses is said to have not only allowed McClintock to picture Imperioli’s individual facial features, but to comprehend the whole of those discrete parts as well, and—by virtue of the unfathomably complex web of axons and dendrites working in concert on a scale 1,000 times more powerful than today’s fastest supercomputer—to also recall that the Moltisanti character had once been in an amusing scene in which he urinated on the side of Paulie Walnuts’ van. At press time, sources indicated the approximately 100 billion neurons composing McClintock’s brain—the miraculous biological end product of eons upon eons of evolution—had erroneously identified the image in her mind as the face of John Turturro.

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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