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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Billions Of Electric Signals Between Neurons Allow Brain To Imagine What Michael Imperioli Looks Like

DAYTON, OH—Displaying an awe-inspiring processing ability unmatched by any machine yet devised, billions of electrical signals surged at light speed from neuron to neuron inside local woman Stacy McClintock’s brain Monday, reportedly allowing the local human resources manager to successfully construct a mental image of 47-year-old film and television actor Michael Imperioli. Sources confirmed that once stimulated, a flood of neurotransmitting chemicals burst across trillions of synapses within her gray matter in a matter of nanoseconds, igniting a fluid and breathtaking mosaic of electrical activity across her cerebral cortex that enabled her to visualize the swept-back hair, dark eyes, and thick brow of the star best known for his portrayal of Christopher Moltisanti on the HBO series The Sopranos. The staggeringly vast fusillade of neurological impulses is said to have not only allowed McClintock to picture Imperioli’s individual facial features, but to comprehend the whole of those discrete parts as well, and—by virtue of the unfathomably complex web of axons and dendrites working in concert on a scale 1,000 times more powerful than today’s fastest supercomputer—to also recall that the Moltisanti character had once been in an amusing scene in which he urinated on the side of Paulie Walnuts’ van. At press time, sources indicated the approximately 100 billion neurons composing McClintock’s brain—the miraculous biological end product of eons upon eons of evolution—had erroneously identified the image in her mind as the face of John Turturro.

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