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Bills Impressed By Quality Of Toilet Paper In Visitors' Locker Room

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Bills Impressed By Quality Of Toilet Paper In Visitors' Locker Room

GREEN BAY, WI—Bills players were reportedly impressed by the quality of toilet paper in the visitors' locker room at Lambeau Field Sunday, enthusiastically admiring the bathroom tissue's durability, absorbency, and softness. "Wow, fancy," said running back Marshawn Lynch, gently rubbing a sheet across his left cheekbone. "They definitely don't scrimp around here. I hate the stuff our GM gets. It's really thin and rough and it hurts." Lynch reportedly urged his teammates to stuff their bags with the toilet paper before leaving the stadium.

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