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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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'Billy Beane Of Office Softball' Profiled In Book 'MoneySoftball'

OAKLAND, CA—The life and unorthodox softball philosophy of Alameda County Real Estate team manager and employee advocate Brian Kocher is extensively explored in the book MoneySoftball: The Art Of Winning A Meaningless Game, which will be officially released next week. "Kocher was the first to suggest that office softball teams overvalue players simply because they are big and fat, or because they played a little baseball in high school," author Michael Lewis said during a book signing Tuesday. "Kocher ruffled a lot of slow-pitch softball purists' feathers, but he saw early on the advantage of drafting female coworkers from HR—their miniscule strike zones led to higher on-base percentages, and opposing teams were seven times more likely to be lax on the foul-out rule during their at bats. The man broke every paradigm in the book." Lewis spent the rest of the event answering questions about Kocher's intensity, particularly the time he threw a folding chair at the keg of beer standing at third base.

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