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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Billy Crystal Finds Way To Talk About Loving Mickey Mantle At Charity Golf Event

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Actor and avid New York Yankees fan Billy Crystal found a way to talk about how much he loves Mickey Mantle at a charity golf event for Parkinson's disease, an ailment that had nothing to do with the slugger's eventual passing. "Seeing that little white ball disappear over the horizon reminds me of the way Mickey used to hit 'em—I mean Mickey Mantle, of course. And that reminds me of the time my father first took me to Yankee Stadium to watch Mickey play," Crystal said to the gallery, mimicking Mantle's swing with his putter, and forcing a 14-minute stoppage in play. "So we get to Yankee Stadium, and it's the greenest thing I have ever seen—greener than all the grass at this golf course. And there in the batter's box is the great Mickey Mantle—young, athletic, handsome, everything that I wanted to be. Anyway, I look at my father, my father looks at me, and the Mick hits one out." Crystal then gathered himself and sank his three-foot putt, but was delayed on the following hole because, in the group ahead of him, Bob Costas was reportedly in the middle of telling the same anecdote.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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