adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Billy Crystal Finds Way To Talk About Loving Mickey Mantle At Charity Golf Event

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Actor and avid New York Yankees fan Billy Crystal found a way to talk about how much he loves Mickey Mantle at a charity golf event for Parkinson's disease, an ailment that had nothing to do with the slugger's eventual passing. "Seeing that little white ball disappear over the horizon reminds me of the way Mickey used to hit 'em—I mean Mickey Mantle, of course. And that reminds me of the time my father first took me to Yankee Stadium to watch Mickey play," Crystal said to the gallery, mimicking Mantle's swing with his putter, and forcing a 14-minute stoppage in play. "So we get to Yankee Stadium, and it's the greenest thing I have ever seen—greener than all the grass at this golf course. And there in the batter's box is the great Mickey Mantle—young, athletic, handsome, everything that I wanted to be. Anyway, I look at my father, my father looks at me, and the Mick hits one out." Crystal then gathered himself and sank his three-foot putt, but was delayed on the following hole because, in the group ahead of him, Bob Costas was reportedly in the middle of telling the same anecdote.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close