MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are. “It just sounded good to talk about watching the Yankees and going to Yankee Stadium, but honestly I had no idea what any of that meant—I still have no clue what it means,” said a visibly emotional Crystal, adding that despite having never once witnessed the Yankees “do whatever it is they do,” he continued wearing Yankees caps in public and telling people that he loved the Yankees. “I heard the name ‘Mickey Mantle’ all the time, and people seemed to like him a lot, so I just started talking about him too. But, honest to God, I couldn’t tell you who he is. I’d like to meet him though, I think. To be perfectly frank, I don’t even know what baseball is. What is that?” Crystal added that he purchased a signed game-worn Mickey Mantle glove for $239,000 at a 1999 auction solely to keep up appearances, and just wound up throwing it in the garbage as soon as he got home.

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