Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are. “It just sounded good to talk about watching the Yankees and going to Yankee Stadium, but honestly I had no idea what any of that meant—I still have no clue what it means,” said a visibly emotional Crystal, adding that despite having never once witnessed the Yankees “do whatever it is they do,” he continued wearing Yankees caps in public and telling people that he loved the Yankees. “I heard the name ‘Mickey Mantle’ all the time, and people seemed to like him a lot, so I just started talking about him too. But, honest to God, I couldn’t tell you who he is. I’d like to meet him though, I think. To be perfectly frank, I don’t even know what baseball is. What is that?” Crystal added that he purchased a signed game-worn Mickey Mantle glove for $239,000 at a 1999 auction solely to keep up appearances, and just wound up throwing it in the garbage as soon as he got home.

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