Bin Laden's Mother Worried Sick

Top Headlines

Family

Cheetos

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Fantasy Sports

Family

Cheetos

Bin Laden's Mother Worried Sick

JEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA—With rumors swirling about Osama bin Laden's possible death from typhoid fever in Pakistan, Hamida al-Attas, the al-Qaeda leader's mother, said she is "worried sick" about her son and wished that he would send "some sort of sign" that he is alive.

Al-Hattas just wants to know her son is okay.

"I can't sleep at night not knowing where he is," said al-Attas, clutching a framed eighth-grade school portrait of bin Laden in the living room of her Jeddah home.

"He could be dead in a ditch somewhere and I would have no idea," al-Attas added.

The fact that al-Qaeda has not staged a major attack in over a year, coupled with the new rumors of bin Laden's death, have increased al-Attas's anxiety over the whereabouts and welfare of her son.

"It's like he disappeared off the face of the earth," al-Attas said. "All I ever see of him is the occasional grainy videotape, and he looks so skinny, I'd hardly recognize my own son if it weren't verified by the CIA. I just hope he's taking care of himself."

Saying "it's a mother's right" to know her child's whereabouts, al-Attas admitted the only time her mind is put at ease is when her son occasionlly checks in with acts of terror such as the Bali nightclub bombing, the Madrid train bombings, and last year's London subway attacks. "I wish [Osama] would understand the pain he causes me, the worry," al-Attas said. "Doesn't he know that his actions can affect others?"

"For his dear mother's sake, I wish he'd carry out an attack," al-Attas continued. "Just so I know he's all right."

Instead, al-Attas said she is left to torment herself with dozens of conceivable scenarios of bin Laden's fate. "What if an elite group of Delta Force assassins ambushed him in a remote Pakistani mountain pass?" said al-Attas, wringing her hands at her kitchen table. "What if some unscrupulous local informant revealed his hidden location? What if he slept in one of those dirty hotel comforters I saw on the news that are covered in germs? No mother should have to go through this with her son."

Even if bin Laden is alive, his "neglectful" appearance gives al-Attas no less reason to worry about his state. "If I know my Osama, his [cave] is a shambles," said al-Attas, who noted that his beard was "getting a little out of hand" in the last photos she saw of him, and that his fatigues and Afghan-style headdress "didn't look warm enough." "When he's on his own, he doesn't look after himself properly. I can't tell you how many times his father and I have gotten on him about that. But I guess he's always been stubborn."

"It's only because I love him so much," she added.

Bin Laden

Admitting that bin Laden was no longer "the nice boy who'd come home from al-Thager Model School all eager to tell me about his day," al-Attas said she regretted the fact that he has not been a part of the extended family in so long. "Since he never gets to the yearly reunions, I bet he doesn't even know that his 14th half-sister [Iftikar] just had a baby," al-Attas said. "His younger cousins would love to spend some time with him, but they wouldn't even know what he looked like if it wasn't for all those propaganda posters."

Although al-Attas said she realizes bin Laden is busy, and understands his line of work requires focus and constant travel, the fretful mother said, "I just wish he would pick up a phone every once in a while" between meetings to let her know he is all right.

"My friends tell me that he's a big boy, and that he can take care of himself," al-Attas said. "But it's all I can do not to rush out and scour the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan myself."

"He could be Allah knows where doing Allah knows what," she added.

Al-Attas has even contemplated releasing a videotape of her own urging bin Laden to let her know he's alive, and to tell her whether he is wearing the mukluks she sent him in 2002.

But whatever trouble he may be in, al-Attas said she hoped bin Laden knew that he would "always be my baby" and that "he can always come home."

"I can't imagine a world without him," al-Attas added.

Family Video