Binge-Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says 'New Orleans Journal Of Medicine'

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Vol 32 Issue 11

Authority Figure Demands To Know Meaning Of This

NEW HAVEN, CT—Flustered by the incessant insubordination and rowdy antics of a group of students, stodgy authority figure and boarding-school headmaster James K. Worthington III demanded to know the meaning of this Monday. “What is the meaning of this?” the red-faced Worthington said upon discovering the stately oak desk in his office covered in toilet paper. “What have you insolent young hooligans done? I demand an explanation and an apology at once!” Following a contrived explanation by the students, Worthington winced skeptically and warned that future acts of mischief would be dealt with severely. Later in the day, Worthington was grievously embarrassed when white paint was splattered all over his dark suit.

CNN's Hollywood Minute Announces Special Two-Minute Season Premiere

ATLANTA—At a special news conference Monday, CNN programming executives announced that the network’s popular Hollywood Minute segment will make its season premiere Oct. 25 with a special two-minute episode. “We thought we’d open the new season with a bang, and what better way to do it than with a spectacular double-length show?” program producer Anthony Charles said. The episode will reportedly feature a sizzling revelation from actor John Larroquette about a past love, as well as a visit to the set of Paramount Pictures’ Workin’ Overtime, an action/comedy starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Jennifer Tilly.

Algerian Dies Of Natural Causes

TABELBALA, ALGERIA—Beni Ain-Sefra, 71, became the first Algerian in nearly seven months to die of natural causes following a stroke Saturday, sending shockwaves through the North African nation. According to reports, Ain-Sefra was not shot, hanged, stabbed nor disemboweled by roving hordes of horse-mounted Islamic extremists. “I am stunned by this non-violent end to Beni’s life,” Ain-Sefra’s wife Sumora said. “I always imagined that when it was my husband’s turn to go to Heaven, he would be cut in half by militants and have his upper body fed to a pack of wild dogs and his legs dumped in a well. This natural, peaceful act of God will take time to sink in.”

My Failed Suicide Attempts

There is nothing I desire more than for dear, sweet Death to draw its soft shroud around me and usher me from this mortal coil. But after 132 years, my prayers have still not been answered, so every now and again I attempt to bring about my yearned-for demise myself.
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Binge-Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says 'New Orleans Journal Of Medicine'

NEW ORLEANS—According to a report published in the latest issue of the New Orleans Journal Of Medicine, a number of behaviors long believed detrimental to one’s health—including binge-drinking and unprotected sex with multiple partners—may actually prolong and enrich one’s life. “Massive intake of alcohol instills a deep sense of happiness, which is essential to an organism’s longevity,” the report stated. Random sex with a variety of partners is likewise encouraged: “Exhaustive field research throughout New Orleans indicates that coupling with as many people as possible is a very good thing,” the study said. Other behaviors endorsed by the renowned medical journal include: eating excessive amounts of rich, spicy food; inhaling nitrous oxide; and screaming “Whoo!” as loudly as possible in public. To aid the early detection of breast cancer, the study also strongly recommended that all women between the ages of 18 and 45 annually expose their breasts to cheering crowds.

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