Biologist Completes 5-Minute Study Of Pathetic Organism In Mirror

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Biologist Completes 5-Minute Study Of Pathetic Organism In Mirror

Biological researcher Randall Palinack examines the absolutely pitiful specimen in the mirror.
Biological researcher Randall Palinack examines the absolutely pitiful specimen in the mirror.

GAITHERSBURG, MD—According to a new study released this week by George Washington University Professor of Biology Randall Palinack, the pathetic organism in his bathroom mirror—which he observed from approximately 6:04 to 6:09 Monday morning—is “pitiful, just absolutely pitiful.”

Based on previous findings, the research took a detailed look at the bipedal sad sack’s anatomy, making note of its receding hairline, distended gut, double chin, and weak facial features that identify it as a highly undesirable mate.

“Notice the sedentary mammal’s pear-like body shape, bloodshot eyes, and oily skin, as well as the way its musculature has continued to atrophy over time while the fat deposits around its midsection grow larger and larger,” said the 48-year-old scientist, pinching the specimen’s abdomen firmly while shaking his head in disbelief. “Also note how it struggles with mobility and often has difficulty socializing with peers, even those it considers close friends.”

“I must say, it’s a fascinating organism to study,” Palinack continued. “Considerably less imposing than other males of its species.”

Upon closer inspection in the mirror, the biologist noted roughly two dozen fluid-filled pustules, scabs, and pockmarks on the specimen’s face and neck. These, he explained, were remnants of a compulsive behavior it developed in adolescence and now seems powerless to stop. Rotating his field of view 180 degrees, he also surveyed the pathetic creature’s domicile—a tiny one-bedroom apartment it is too ashamed to show anyone because of the general filth and unexplained odor.

Speculating on the cause of the organism’s listless demeanor, however, Palinack pointed to its diet of processed, nutrient-poor foods and daily routine of sitting slumped over a desk, vying to ensure its survival in a cutthroat academic environment despite having plateaued many years ago.

“Given the evidence, I would surmise that this particular specimen is a blight on its species; a castoff of the animal kingdom that, statistics clearly show, has trouble even procreating,” said the senior lecturer as he located rogue patches of hair protruding from its nasal and aural cavities. “It’s also apparent that the natural aging process has been accelerated in the face of a host of environmental factors including social isolation, professional failure, sexual frustration ever since Karen walked out, and moderate to severe depression.”

“Christ, Randall,” the scientist added. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

According to Palinack, the findings are consistent with those from other ongoing studies, all of which have found the multicellular life form to be wholly ignored by females, routinely losing potential partners to more aggressive, fertile candidates such as Tim from work or the Portuguese post-doc who plays intramural water polo.

Additionally, the scientist observed that while close members of its evolutionary tree occupy top-tier, well-paying executive positions across the private sector, this particular species subsists on a researcher’s salary despite its relative seniority within the department.

“Despite the appearance of death in the organism’s slack facial musculature and dead-eyed expression, it is, somewhat improbably, alive,” Palinack confirmed, in spite of the fact that it has no outward indications of vitality and, when Palinack really thinks about it, does not in fact have anything to live for after losing its funding and any resolve to write another grant. “Obviously this highly maladaptive organism is an evolutionary fluke, a rare subspecies of humanoid with little or nothing to add to society.”

The study concluded that the organism isn’t likely to propagate its worthless DNA anyway, since it is expected to become extinct on the evening of February 14.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close