Biologist Completes 5-Minute Study Of Pathetic Organism In Mirror

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 49

Saints vs. Panthers

The Panthers battle the Saints in a game that will certainly come down to one bullshit call. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win. 

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games: Texans at Jaguars OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Jaguars – Following a disappointing 27-20 loss, Texans owner...

Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna.

8th Grader Caked In Makeup Probably Really Confident

A slow-witted conspiracy theorist is convinced the government is behind NASA, the grisly remains of 15 hobbits is discovered in Peter Jackson's attic, and a cool guy from middle school is still sporting his phat pair of JNCOS.

New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention

LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive person captured the nation’s interest this week, joining the ranks of all others who are considered extremely good-looking ...

Lawsuit Seeks Human Rights For Chimps

Borrowing rhetoric from the anti-slavery movement, a lawsuit filed in New York on behalf of four captive chimpanzees seeks to recognize chimps as legal persons with a limited right to liberty, which would prohibit them from being kept as pets or used in b...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Innovation

Healthy Eating

Biologist Completes 5-Minute Study Of Pathetic Organism In Mirror

Biological researcher Randall Palinack examines the absolutely pitiful specimen in the mirror.
Biological researcher Randall Palinack examines the absolutely pitiful specimen in the mirror.

GAITHERSBURG, MD—According to a new study released this week by George Washington University Professor of Biology Randall Palinack, the pathetic organism in his bathroom mirror—which he observed from approximately 6:04 to 6:09 Monday morning—is “pitiful, just absolutely pitiful.”

Based on previous findings, the research took a detailed look at the bipedal sad sack’s anatomy, making note of its receding hairline, distended gut, double chin, and weak facial features that identify it as a highly undesirable mate.

“Notice the sedentary mammal’s pear-like body shape, bloodshot eyes, and oily skin, as well as the way its musculature has continued to atrophy over time while the fat deposits around its midsection grow larger and larger,” said the 48-year-old scientist, pinching the specimen’s abdomen firmly while shaking his head in disbelief. “Also note how it struggles with mobility and often has difficulty socializing with peers, even those it considers close friends.”

“I must say, it’s a fascinating organism to study,” Palinack continued. “Considerably less imposing than other males of its species.”

Upon closer inspection in the mirror, the biologist noted roughly two dozen fluid-filled pustules, scabs, and pockmarks on the specimen’s face and neck. These, he explained, were remnants of a compulsive behavior it developed in adolescence and now seems powerless to stop. Rotating his field of view 180 degrees, he also surveyed the pathetic creature’s domicile—a tiny one-bedroom apartment it is too ashamed to show anyone because of the general filth and unexplained odor.

Speculating on the cause of the organism’s listless demeanor, however, Palinack pointed to its diet of processed, nutrient-poor foods and daily routine of sitting slumped over a desk, vying to ensure its survival in a cutthroat academic environment despite having plateaued many years ago.

“Given the evidence, I would surmise that this particular specimen is a blight on its species; a castoff of the animal kingdom that, statistics clearly show, has trouble even procreating,” said the senior lecturer as he located rogue patches of hair protruding from its nasal and aural cavities. “It’s also apparent that the natural aging process has been accelerated in the face of a host of environmental factors including social isolation, professional failure, sexual frustration ever since Karen walked out, and moderate to severe depression.”

“Christ, Randall,” the scientist added. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

According to Palinack, the findings are consistent with those from other ongoing studies, all of which have found the multicellular life form to be wholly ignored by females, routinely losing potential partners to more aggressive, fertile candidates such as Tim from work or the Portuguese post-doc who plays intramural water polo.

Additionally, the scientist observed that while close members of its evolutionary tree occupy top-tier, well-paying executive positions across the private sector, this particular species subsists on a researcher’s salary despite its relative seniority within the department.

“Despite the appearance of death in the organism’s slack facial musculature and dead-eyed expression, it is, somewhat improbably, alive,” Palinack confirmed, in spite of the fact that it has no outward indications of vitality and, when Palinack really thinks about it, does not in fact have anything to live for after losing its funding and any resolve to write another grant. “Obviously this highly maladaptive organism is an evolutionary fluke, a rare subspecies of humanoid with little or nothing to add to society.”

The study concluded that the organism isn’t likely to propagate its worthless DNA anyway, since it is expected to become extinct on the evening of February 14.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More