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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Biologists Announce They’re All Done With Rodents

‘There Is Nothing About Them That Requires Further Scientific Inquiry,’ Say Scientists

BERKELEY, CA—Saying they had exhausted every possible line of scientific inquiry into the various species, the nation’s researchers announced Thursday that they were completely done with rodents. “We’ve spent many decades and billions of dollars observing, testing, and recording every conceivable cognitive and behavioral aspect of hamsters, mice, rats, and basically the entire order Rodentia, so at this point we’re pretty much all set rodent-wise,” said University of California biologist Emma Meuer, explaining that there was only so much that could be learned about the dietary preferences, spatial abilities, and decision-making skills of these small mammals before scientists started shrugging their shoulders and running out of new studies to subject them to. “We’ve learned how rodents process pain, how they gain weight, how they’ll react to environmental stimuli, and on and on. To be honest, they’re not even that complex of organisms; we’ve kind of knocked out all there is to know about them. So, in terms of us and rodents, that’s pretty much it.” Meuer went on to note that the millions of lab rats at the nation’s universities and research facilities would be replaced in the months ahead by more interesting species that scientists said they would never tire of studying, such as lemurs and sharks.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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