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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Biologists Announce They’re All Done With Rodents

‘There Is Nothing About Them That Requires Further Scientific Inquiry,’ Say Scientists

BERKELEY, CA—Saying they had exhausted every possible line of scientific inquiry into the various species, the nation’s researchers announced Thursday that they were completely done with rodents. “We’ve spent many decades and billions of dollars observing, testing, and recording every conceivable cognitive and behavioral aspect of hamsters, mice, rats, and basically the entire order Rodentia, so at this point we’re pretty much all set rodent-wise,” said University of California biologist Emma Meuer, explaining that there was only so much that could be learned about the dietary preferences, spatial abilities, and decision-making skills of these small mammals before scientists started shrugging their shoulders and running out of new studies to subject them to. “We’ve learned how rodents process pain, how they gain weight, how they’ll react to environmental stimuli, and on and on. To be honest, they’re not even that complex of organisms; we’ve kind of knocked out all there is to know about them. So, in terms of us and rodents, that’s pretty much it.” Meuer went on to note that the millions of lab rats at the nation’s universities and research facilities would be replaced in the months ahead by more interesting species that scientists said they would never tire of studying, such as lemurs and sharks.

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