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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Biologists Confirm Foxes Sneakiest Little Fuckers In Animal Kingdom

BOULDER, CO—Validating the widely held suspicion about those sly bastards, biologists at the University of Colorado, Boulder confirmed Tuesday that foxes are without a doubt the sneakiest little fuckers in the entire animal kingdom. “Based on our observations, we can state with a high level of certainty that foxes are indeed the most devious, good-for-nothing shits in the natural world,” said biologist Madeline Putnam, whose team reportedly spent years in the wild collecting behavioral data on the shady sons of bitches. “Our extensive field recordings of fox behavior revealed that these slippery motherfuckers skulk around doing all kinds of dodgy shit far more than any other species. Whether they’re lurking around in bushes or slinking through chicken-wire fences, it’s clear that these conniving overgrown weasels cannot be trusted.” The researchers advised any individual who happens to encounter a fox not to let their guard down for one goddamn second around the shifty-eyed little fucks.

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