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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Biologists Confirm Foxes Sneakiest Little Fuckers In Animal Kingdom

BOULDER, CO—Validating the widely held suspicion about those sly bastards, biologists at the University of Colorado, Boulder confirmed Tuesday that foxes are without a doubt the sneakiest little fuckers in the entire animal kingdom. “Based on our observations, we can state with a high level of certainty that foxes are indeed the most devious, good-for-nothing shits in the natural world,” said biologist Madeline Putnam, whose team reportedly spent years in the wild collecting behavioral data on the shady sons of bitches. “Our extensive field recordings of fox behavior revealed that these slippery motherfuckers skulk around doing all kinds of dodgy shit far more than any other species. Whether they’re lurking around in bushes or slinking through chicken-wire fences, it’s clear that these conniving overgrown weasels cannot be trusted.” The researchers advised any individual who happens to encounter a fox not to let their guard down for one goddamn second around the shifty-eyed little fucks.

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