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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Bird Arthritis Epidemic Largely Ignored

GENEVA—Officials from the World Health Organization remain relatively unconcerned by the rise in cases of bird arthritis, a degenerative joint disease found in birds. "We are aware of the existence of avian osteoarthritis, but have chosen to focus on more immediate threats," WHO Director-General Lee Jong-wook said Monday, after several common teals were found doddering about a pond in southern Wales. "Most severely infected birds are too creaky and stiff to spread the disease very far." Experts say this is the least alarming public-health risk since the 1953 breakout of swine bursitis.
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