adBlockCheck

Recent News

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bird Arthritis Epidemic Largely Ignored

GENEVA—Officials from the World Health Organization remain relatively unconcerned by the rise in cases of bird arthritis, a degenerative joint disease found in birds. "We are aware of the existence of avian osteoarthritis, but have chosen to focus on more immediate threats," WHO Director-General Lee Jong-wook said Monday, after several common teals were found doddering about a pond in southern Wales. "Most severely infected birds are too creaky and stiff to spread the disease very far." Experts say this is the least alarming public-health risk since the 1953 breakout of swine bursitis.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close