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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Bird Has Big Plans For Cage

HENNIKER, NH—Charlie, a Henniker-area cockatiel, announced Tuesday that he has big plans for his new stainless-steel birdcage. "Let's see—I'm gonna hang the bell from the ceiling and put my seed trough on the right wall. And I'm finally gonna get one of those rolling perches, now that I have the room," said Charlie between gulps of sunflower seeds. "And once I put up that full-length mirror, it's really gonna open up this space." Charlie said he also plans to use some of his bird toys to form a partition in the middle of the cage, creating the illusion of two separate rooms.

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