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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Bird Wouldn’t Have Landed On Ledge If It Had Known Everyone Would Make It Into Whole Big Thing

WARWICK, RI—Saying it wished it had touched down to rest its wings somewhere a bit less visible, a local bird told reporters Tuesday that it wouldn’t have landed on a ledge had it known everyone would make it into a whole big thing. “God, if I’d realized all these people would lose their goddamn minds, I never would have done it,” said the eastern bluebird, adding that there was no way it could preen its feathers in peace when it was being gawked at “like some kind of freak.” “I can’t just pretend people aren’t pressing their faces against the window and staring at me. Seriously, what’s the big deal? Like they’ve never seen a bluebird before?” At press time, the bluebird had discreetly perched on a tree limb high above the ground and reportedly could not believe how much attention a stupid cardinal on the ledge was getting.

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