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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Birthday Cards From Grandma Becoming More Religious

BEAVERTON, OR—Saying the escalation in biblical language and motifs was now unmistakable, Allen family sources confirmed Friday that their grandmother’s birthday cards were becoming more and more religious. “At first they would just say ‘God bless you on your birthday’ or something, but now they include full-on Bible verses,” said granddaughter Leah Allen, explaining that the trend began to accelerate when she received a card containing a preprinted psalm about the joy in God’s salvation and had now culminated in cards with pictures of angels and crucifixes on the cover. “The cards used to be pretty generic with balloons and festive lettering and stuff, but now they’re just off-white with the text written in overly fancy cursive. Some of them don’t even say ‘Happy Birthday’ anymore.” Allen later confirmed to reporters that the greater religiosity of her grandmother’s birthday cards in no way corresponded with an increase in the gift she included.

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