adBlockCheck

Local

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
End Of Section
  • More News

Birthday Cards From Grandma Becoming More Religious

BEAVERTON, OR—Saying the escalation in biblical language and motifs was now unmistakable, Allen family sources confirmed Friday that their grandmother’s birthday cards were becoming more and more religious. “At first they would just say ‘God bless you on your birthday’ or something, but now they include full-on Bible verses,” said granddaughter Leah Allen, explaining that the trend began to accelerate when she received a card containing a preprinted psalm about the joy in God’s salvation and had now culminated in cards with pictures of angels and crucifixes on the cover. “The cards used to be pretty generic with balloons and festive lettering and stuff, but now they’re just off-white with the text written in overly fancy cursive. Some of them don’t even say ‘Happy Birthday’ anymore.” Allen later confirmed to reporters that the greater religiosity of her grandmother’s birthday cards in no way corresponded with an increase in the gift she included.

More from this section

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close