Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Birthday Cards From Grandma Becoming More Religious

BEAVERTON, OR—Saying the escalation in biblical language and motifs was now unmistakable, Allen family sources confirmed Friday that their grandmother’s birthday cards were becoming more and more religious. “At first they would just say ‘God bless you on your birthday’ or something, but now they include full-on Bible verses,” said granddaughter Leah Allen, explaining that the trend began to accelerate when she received a card containing a preprinted psalm about the joy in God’s salvation and had now culminated in cards with pictures of angels and crucifixes on the cover. “The cards used to be pretty generic with balloons and festive lettering and stuff, but now they’re just off-white with the text written in overly fancy cursive. Some of them don’t even say ‘Happy Birthday’ anymore.” Allen later confirmed to reporters that the greater religiosity of her grandmother’s birthday cards in no way corresponded with an increase in the gift she included.

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