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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Bizarre Sci-Fi Novel Posits World Where Natives Inhabited America Before Europeans

NEW YORK—In a riveting, if slightly far-fetched, work of alternate history that fans of science fiction are bound to enjoy, author Judith Nies’ novel Native American History: A Chronology Of The Vast Achievements Of A Culture And Their Links To World Events imagines a strange fictional world where, prior to its 15th-century colonization by Europeans, North America was actually inhabited by millions of indigenous peoples. “Numerous Paleoamerican groups inhabited vast expanses of land along modern-day Canada and the United States as early as 1400 C.E., including what would later become the Navajo, Iroquois, Cherokee, and Ojibwe peoples,” reads an excerpt from Nies’ wildly bizarre science-fiction tale, positing a sweeping alternate reality in which vast tribes of “Native Americans”—each fleshed out with their own names, rich cultural backstories, and even strange foreign languages invented by the author—roamed the Americas for thousands of years before any European explorers set foot on the continent. “These indigenous populations eventually established successful dryland farming practices, allowing for the cultivation of crops in the arid midwest and corn-based agriculture from Mesoamerica. Other tribes, however, lived as nomads, utilizing hunting and gathering methods to survive off the likes of buffalo, elk, deer, and antelope.” Sources confirmed that science-fiction fans are sure to be especially thrilled by the shocking conclusion to Nies’ expansive sci-fi tale, in which settlers from Europe, upon reaching America, massacre and drastically marginalize these native inhabitants over the next several centuries.

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