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B.J. Raji Shouldn’t Have Eaten That Burrito, Cheeseburger, Bag Of Chips, Ice Cream Sandwich, Cheesecake, Second Burrito Before Game

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Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

B.J. Raji Shouldn’t Have Eaten That Burrito, Cheeseburger, Bag Of Chips, Ice Cream Sandwich, Cheesecake, Second Burrito Before Game

INDIANAPOLIS—Green Bay Packers defensive tackle B.J. Raji admitted Friday that it may not have been a good decision to eat a burrito, cheeseburger, bag of chips, ice cream sandwich, cheesecake, and a second burrito before his game against the Colts. "I know coach says we shouldn't eat before games, but I didn't think a little slice of pizza, box of Frosted Flakes, scrambled eggs, pancakes, turkey leg, six chicken quesadillas, beef jerky sticks, Twizzlers, 12 ounce filet, couple of Boston cream doughnuts, a chocolate frosted doughnut, bowl of mashed potatoes, a Rolo candy bar, plate of spaghetti, egg salad sandwich, and a half-gallon of chocolate milk would hurt," Raji said, pausing to grab his belly with both arms and moan. "Actually maybe there was something off with the fish sticks, or pretzels, or steamed dumplings, or strawberry milkshake, or biscuits, or falaffel, or fried dumplings, or gorganzola salad, or seven slices of American cheese, or ice cream cake roll, or fistfuls of goldfish crackers, or eggs Benedict, or barbecue pork ribs, or shrimp scampi, or veal parmesan I had at halftime.” Raji added that while he was currently in pain, he didn’t regret for a single second eating that entire birthday cake, extra large container of Cool Whip, or meatball sub, and that the bagel he was currently munching on was delicious, as would be the Twix bar he intended to eat for dessert.

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