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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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B.J. Raji Shouldn’t Have Eaten That Burrito, Cheeseburger, Bag Of Chips, Ice Cream Sandwich, Cheesecake, Second Burrito Before Game

INDIANAPOLIS—Green Bay Packers defensive tackle B.J. Raji admitted Friday that it may not have been a good decision to eat a burrito, cheeseburger, bag of chips, ice cream sandwich, cheesecake, and a second burrito before his game against the Colts. "I know coach says we shouldn't eat before games, but I didn't think a little slice of pizza, box of Frosted Flakes, scrambled eggs, pancakes, turkey leg, six chicken quesadillas, beef jerky sticks, Twizzlers, 12 ounce filet, couple of Boston cream doughnuts, a chocolate frosted doughnut, bowl of mashed potatoes, a Rolo candy bar, plate of spaghetti, egg salad sandwich, and a half-gallon of chocolate milk would hurt," Raji said, pausing to grab his belly with both arms and moan. "Actually maybe there was something off with the fish sticks, or pretzels, or steamed dumplings, or strawberry milkshake, or biscuits, or falaffel, or fried dumplings, or gorganzola salad, or seven slices of American cheese, or ice cream cake roll, or fistfuls of goldfish crackers, or eggs Benedict, or barbecue pork ribs, or shrimp scampi, or veal parmesan I had at halftime.” Raji added that while he was currently in pain, he didn’t regret for a single second eating that entire birthday cake, extra large container of Cool Whip, or meatball sub, and that the bagel he was currently munching on was delicious, as would be the Twix bar he intended to eat for dessert.

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