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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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B.J. Raji Shouldn’t Have Eaten That Burrito, Cheeseburger, Bag Of Chips, Ice Cream Sandwich, Cheesecake, Second Burrito Before Game

INDIANAPOLIS—Green Bay Packers defensive tackle B.J. Raji admitted Friday that it may not have been a good decision to eat a burrito, cheeseburger, bag of chips, ice cream sandwich, cheesecake, and a second burrito before his game against the Colts. "I know coach says we shouldn't eat before games, but I didn't think a little slice of pizza, box of Frosted Flakes, scrambled eggs, pancakes, turkey leg, six chicken quesadillas, beef jerky sticks, Twizzlers, 12 ounce filet, couple of Boston cream doughnuts, a chocolate frosted doughnut, bowl of mashed potatoes, a Rolo candy bar, plate of spaghetti, egg salad sandwich, and a half-gallon of chocolate milk would hurt," Raji said, pausing to grab his belly with both arms and moan. "Actually maybe there was something off with the fish sticks, or pretzels, or steamed dumplings, or strawberry milkshake, or biscuits, or falaffel, or fried dumplings, or gorganzola salad, or seven slices of American cheese, or ice cream cake roll, or fistfuls of goldfish crackers, or eggs Benedict, or barbecue pork ribs, or shrimp scampi, or veal parmesan I had at halftime.” Raji added that while he was currently in pain, he didn’t regret for a single second eating that entire birthday cake, extra large container of Cool Whip, or meatball sub, and that the bagel he was currently munching on was delicious, as would be the Twix bar he intended to eat for dessert.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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