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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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B.J. Raji Shouldn’t Have Eaten That Burrito, Cheeseburger, Bag Of Chips, Ice Cream Sandwich, Cheesecake, Second Burrito Before Game

INDIANAPOLIS—Green Bay Packers defensive tackle B.J. Raji admitted Friday that it may not have been a good decision to eat a burrito, cheeseburger, bag of chips, ice cream sandwich, cheesecake, and a second burrito before his game against the Colts. "I know coach says we shouldn't eat before games, but I didn't think a little slice of pizza, box of Frosted Flakes, scrambled eggs, pancakes, turkey leg, six chicken quesadillas, beef jerky sticks, Twizzlers, 12 ounce filet, couple of Boston cream doughnuts, a chocolate frosted doughnut, bowl of mashed potatoes, a Rolo candy bar, plate of spaghetti, egg salad sandwich, and a half-gallon of chocolate milk would hurt," Raji said, pausing to grab his belly with both arms and moan. "Actually maybe there was something off with the fish sticks, or pretzels, or steamed dumplings, or strawberry milkshake, or biscuits, or falaffel, or fried dumplings, or gorganzola salad, or seven slices of American cheese, or ice cream cake roll, or fistfuls of goldfish crackers, or eggs Benedict, or barbecue pork ribs, or shrimp scampi, or veal parmesan I had at halftime.” Raji added that while he was currently in pain, he didn’t regret for a single second eating that entire birthday cake, extra large container of Cool Whip, or meatball sub, and that the bagel he was currently munching on was delicious, as would be the Twix bar he intended to eat for dessert.

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