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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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B.J. Upton Always Dreamed Of Winning Game 2 Of ALCS With Shallow Sac Fly

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Tampa Bay Rays centerfielder B.J. Upton hit a game-winning sacrifice fly to short right field Saturday to defeat the Boston Red Sox in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, the same scenario Upton said he used to play over and over in his head while growing up in Norfolk, VA. "It's every little boy's dream," Upton told reporters. "You're in your backyard pretending it's Game 2 of the ALCS, you're up to bat, you call your shot—a dinky fly ball directly to the right fielder— and after you barely make contact with the baseball, you jog to first base knowing that the imaginary outfielder will easily catch your pop-up for the out. Then you just stand there and watch as the ball gets thrown to the opposing team's catcher, only for the runner tagging up at third to beat the tag, not because the fly ball you hit was deep enough, but because the runner is pretty fast. And then you join your imaginary teammates at home plate celebrating. I mean, those are the types of situations we play for." Upton later said that he hopes one day to fulfill his other dream of being on deck when one of his teammates hits a single in the fourth inning of Game 6 of the divisional playoffs.

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